What will I say
When by You I lay
Down there is joy
Getting Your hands like a toy
Longing to make it so
Never see it a show
Could have it all long
Dwell right in strong
Waiting till it gets ablaze
'Cause all I need is a gaze
Your sighs get my eyes close
Put in the hand I chose
Keep it up,You are distinct
Let it be more than instinct
Ways apart must surely be
All I love is You to see
Comments
Me again.
I'm Wesley.
A warning. I am not the harshest critic here, but I'm one of them.
Here is my suggestion for this poem.
Proofread.
There are some typographical errors here and they will always distract the reader from the nature of the poem.
Example:
Getting Your hands like (a) toy
Also, use the descriptions offered you in the posting of the poem. Do you consider this free verse or structured western?
Despite the rhyme structure, the meter is haphazard enough to not be structured western.
These markings help other poets decide how to critique the poem. They are tools put there to help you explain the nature of your poem and how it should be read. In the real world the poem will simply be out there to stand on its own, but here we have the opportunity to ask for a specific perspective. They are tools to help us grow as poets. You should use all of them.
For example, you marked that you wanted the "raw truth". That gives us the go ahead to help in any way we can. It is a tool to be used and you used it.
Use all of the tools at your disposal.
Appreciated comments
Highly Appreciated
Rhyming does not a poem make.
Rhyming couplets in particular tend to trivialise content. Structurally meter is far more important and above all else is meaning. I did not get this poem. I wasn't sure if you were going for coy eroticism or chaste abstinence.
If you are going to rhyme, and I would suggest you give it up for a while to concentrate on the musicality of your language, do not bend and twist your grammar to make the rhyme fit, that is a tragic mistake which can often lose the whole meaning and content of the poem.
If you like I could go through the whole poem line by line pointing out grammatical difficulties and structural awkwardness but it would be a far better learning experience for you to do it yourself.
Let me know when you have made your revisions.
oh, yes, Mark said he is not the harshest critic on Neopoet
I possibly am. During the 12 years I have been here I have learned the difference between critique and abuse and have learned to actively practice kindness but do not expect anything from me but honesty.
If at any time you feel I am overly harsh or you disagree with me please say so. One can not give critique without being able to accept it.