Barbara Writes
Barbara Writes
Jun 04, 2017

Game Up

Your voice, echo in my ear;
I've stop listening to your words;
no more caring, many years;
your concerns, I've fed the birds;

Cardinals ate insects, in the frontyard;
bluejays roam, the backyard;
butterflies flutter, back and forth,
with yellow bees on grassy knolls;

Nature catches my attention, aside from you;
many pivotal moments, passed by;
you're as driftwood, in my view,
the bond we shared, goodnight;

you talked, but never listened;
inconsiderate, self absorbed;
when I hear your voice, I go fishing;
I've had enough of your porridge.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Billy Collins

More from this author

Comments

Eumolpus

A lot of anger, so well balanced with the images in your yards. I think it is a fine offering, very personal, some very good lines...love the last 2, although I would think that you are not so much "fasting" but not eating meat, as you will hopefully get some fish. Perhaps,"I've had enough bull,
I'm off the beef " or something like that.
Good phrases like "yellow bees on grassy knolls" etc.
A few comments if I may...punctuation- a few too commas, and I don't think a poem should end on a semi colon. Also I would avoid colloquial lines like "When you talked, you never listened;
nor were you considerate"...these are more prose statements, like in a letter. They an be effective is they have a sudden shift like "no more caring, many years; your concerns, I've fed the birds;
very strong line.
Thanks for writing, I hope I have been helpful.

weirdelf

you keep me going when I think things are too tough for me or that I do no good.

I'm also grateful to Eumolpus, he gives superb crit, said everything that needed to be said.

I would only add two things you might not have noticed yourself. Sufferance is one thing but the original feminist movement was called Women's Suffrage, that was about empowerment, women getting the vote and property rights.

The other, and this is really funny, the last word. Did you know that in English slang 'porridge' refers to jail?

Eumolpus

I'm very honored my comments were helpful, and I really like the changes.
a nice work!
One last thing- the title...kinda gives too much away, lacks a poetic sense. Just my feel.
So happy to be of help!