Scatterhatter
May 29, 2017

Flight of Fancy

Here comes the train
I've so-long/longed for
Pulling into the platform
The captain says
All aboard

It seems there's
No one else here but me

The captain is trying to hurry me on,
(My willingness is cleverly known)

But which carriage do I board
Many to choose from
The choice is broad

Carriage of thoughts,
Guilt, love and desire
(Maybe all carriages will never expire)

The final call
Come forward
Alight
Come forward

The captain whistles

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I know its a bit of a cliche title. I'll think on it a little more and see if any other titles come forward....

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Tasmania, Australia

Favorite Poets: Teresa Hooley

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Geezer

7 years 11 months ago

the reference of carriages expiring, it seems that it was just slapped in there to give a rhyme.
You don't give a sense of what a cardinal carriage is and if you come forward to board a carriage, you don't alight. I like the theme, just give us a little more to work with. ~ Geezer.
.

S

Thanks Geezer...
Yes I guess I used expire to rhyme but my meaning also was that the carriages may keep giving me the above mentioned emotions, guilt, love and desire.
The train is something I'm not sure I should board. Hence come forward, alight. So-long, longing.
Cardinal was cardinal sins (7 deadly sins) but yes I agree I haven't given anything else around that so I'll rework it a bit.
Thanks for your time in reading and commenting. I appreciate it!

Geezer

to clarify what alight means. Alight: to descend / come to rest after flight, to dismount. I get the cardinal carriages now, but until you made known what you intended, there was no clue. I really think that this could be a great poem if you take the time to edit and clarify your meaning. Good start.
~ Geezer.
.

S

Thanks Geezer,
Sorry for short note. I'm on the run.
I'm aware of the alight meaning... dismount is how I intended it. Or step down.
Thanks for your time...
Gotta go now.

wesley snow

Hope you stick around. I don't care for free verse, so you lost me there, but I did understand it.
I hope you're willing to try a structured western poem.

vandiemenspeak

I got a sense of this, and the journey the protagonist was pondering/agonising over. Thoughts, carriages, boarding, alighting, all will come with clarity in time. You will find your way. Wes makes a good point with the use of form, it can actually aid the creative process, you can start with the old favourite Iambic pentameter, and go from there:

te/tum, te/tum, te/tum te/tum, te/tum - as in,

- / - / - / - / - / (extra syllable at the end - or feminine ending)
"For every bird there is this last migration "

Second line has regular,stresses try reading aloud with the stresses in every second syllable:

"Once more the cooling year kindles her heart"

te tum -te tum - te tum - te tum - te tum

or five perfect iambic feet in this line, hence pentameter (five "feet of unstressed/stressed syllables, count them and you'll get ten)

This is just the beginning, and you'll find that rules get bent, forms stretched with some poets, some "free verse" can contain strict form in parts, that's part of the beauty of poetry, discovery..
You're off to good start..

Cheers,

Chris.

vandiemenspeak

are not alone here! I find that I get all the way to the end, then hit the wrong button, lose the page, swear..then fall asleep. Good tip, copy it to a notepad document, while editing, this has saved me a few times. This is another great tool to use ( on a laptop) here:
http://bryantmcgill.com/rhyming-dictionary/

It's an editor, and rhyming dictionary - all in one, very useful, helps you find rhymes, helps get you inspired, has many word seach tools built in, Dictionary etc.

We're all learning really hey?

Ta tum,ta tum,ta tum ta tum ta tum - just think of clunking heel toe feet, on a board walk, or jetty.

Cheers.

Chris.

S

Well a lot better free verse folks than I have already commented. i took the expired carriages as being past stages of life. Enjoyed.........stan

weirdelf

always listen to him. I'm sure he won't mind your reply was lost, just that you acknowledged him.
You are a poet's poet, which could be a good or bad thing.
Since your work is accessible and not obscure I judge it a good thing and look forward to more.
Somehow I see this precisely in context as a transitional piece and look forward to more.
The title could still be improved. Whatever don't be a smartarse and call it 'Trainsition' as I might do.