Sweltering in the haze on a summer afternoon,
We contemplated the fullness of the daytime moon-
A dandelion sphere, afloat, like a hummingbird;
There was absolute stillness, not a buzzing heard
From a passing bee, not a sigh from our breath
We sat separately on the moss by the steaming trees
Out of a horizon came the wind,
Coolness brushed fast against our sweated skin
With a mass of moaning and whirling sounds
The forest bent and stretched its limbs and boughs
To bathe its shawls of green in the rush of air,
As hidden birds scattered from bushes everywhere.
Then the sun renewed in brightness, and all shadow
Seemed to abandon the landscape to moonglow;
O what joy we felt from the fury of that chill gust
As if it came from the guts of our midnight souls:
The moonflower cleansed its crystals with the dust,
And to nature our love made whole to lust.
Comments
I thought it read beautifully
The nature scene pop from the page as if there
Wow
I agree with Barbara, which is a cop out I know.
I could be in the poem, I can feel the heat and the silence. Then that soooo welcome breath of sweet cool air. Watch the birds, startled, woosh out from the shrubbery. I can feel the tension of the evening and the coming together of two bodies.
I think it's a wonderful poem and can't offer you any crit.
Some may point out, you don't need to use caps at the beginning of new lines, that never bothers me. It's the poets choice, doesn't add or detract from the poem in my eyes.
I think it's a great piece and we can only judge from our own horizons, so the question is, are you happy with it?
Jx
thanks all and comment
Am I happy with this poem? I struggled so much with every line, I think I need to give it some space and see how it reads in the future. Lately I've been feeling good about my work after i think I've nailed it, i've gone as far as I can with with work. Even now I have some concerns here...have I adequately defined "midnight souls" ? Does the moonflower allow the reader to see it in context to the dandelion image of the daymoon, and that after the wind all the filament seeds were blown away; does the image of "crystals" work? The dandelion is after all a common symbol for lovers does that come through?
As you read something to yourself over and over a certain cadence and performance starts, and a fresh read to see some issues with it is great. I will certainly consider those changes. I went back and forth with the "a" versus "the", and ultimately I think you are right there. The others I'll recite both ways and see how it feels.
The poem began as a sonnet. I was also trying to write this in the romantic tradition.
I do think it does have that one universal, as probably at some time in our lives we are witness to a sudden, out of nowhere gust of wind that fills us with an awe.
I am thrilled that you enjoyed the poem. Thanks you for reading .
I am very moved, and impressed
Thank you Ezar Pound Audri, il miglior fabbro. (In case you are not familar, Pound edited The Wasteland by Eliot, the notebook is available and on line, and he just tuned it perfect..and so the poem is dedicated to Pound, "the better master". )
Putting the two together I like yours more, wilth a few changes:
I once googled "why poets should capitalize the first word, and of course there's 50 articles;, the best is this very well done argument to use CAPs
http://www.public.asu.edu/~aarios/resourcebank/capitalizing/
I urge you to see it. I'm with the 65% who do, for the reasons in that post, but I read and enjoy and have absolutely no prejudice towards those that don't, or use punctuation of not.
I used Sagittarius' suggestions, and basically your version in the edited posting. I like that you removed "unknowable" . I like how you changed the verses, the rhyming does not suffer. I liked you punctuation. I did connect the last line to a single line, just ...felt right.
I did find in reading the "O joy" in the top line of a new stanza, as the colon behind it causes a pause,
This was a very heart felt experience for me, I can't remember having a poem I wrote edited so thoughtfully. If you'd like a few hundred more, no problem!
Thank you for taking that time from your day. I would dedicate the poem,like Eliot, but based on the subject matter of the poem, that might be a bit risque. :)
I feel a great relief.. This poem is done!
Good, but
The alliteration is too convenient sometimes. When you rely solely on metrics it can come out really stale.