Dark Loch (villanelle)

Twas there within the deepest dark
Swam she through veil of night
Fey mystery of a Scottish park

Floating like a cutty sark
That danced by fire light
Twas there within the deepest dark

We witneessed there something so stark
That all on board took fright
Fey mystery of a Scottish park

As to the shore we’d fain debark
It barred our way of flight
Twas there within the deepest dark

Prayed we God, that he might hark
To our dire, fearful plight
Fey mystery of a Scottish park

Though years passed it left its mark
On how we view the light
Twas there within the deepest dark
Fey mystery of a Scottish park

About This Poem

Last Few Words: A Quiet Revolution was submitted by Jane (May Contest) It is a triolet. This brought to mind one of my few attempts at formal poetry, a villanelle. I am not sure how well I succeeded.

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United Kingdom (Scotland), GBR

Favorite Poets: Robert Burns

Comments

Keith

I had to look the form up, as it isn't one I'm familiar with.
This certainly has a ballad like quality. I think it flows pretty well in the main.I stumbled on the line 'We witnessed there something so dark' I think it might work better if you separate some thing, so there is a pause between them.
Also the line 'To our dire, fearful plight.' I would add 'and' in, 'To our dire and fearful plight'
I think you have done well writing within this somewhat restricted form.
Jx

Hi Jane

I'm afraid I can't concur on either point. I don't see the need for an extended pause in the first instance and I view the comma as giving that same effect as the word and. Of course I may be wrong but feel we may now be straying into the realms of personal preference.

Yes

You're certainly right about the use of 'and'. I thought it read better, but it would have added an extra syllable.
As for the 'something ' we have different accents, so it could well be down to that. I completely accept your point of view.
I rather enjoy writing within these strict forms from time to time. The trick is I think, to make the poem work naturally within that format, rather than be driven by its constraints.

Hi Audri

You bring up several points. Hey! is an exclamation rather like wow! The scene is anywhere one imagines it to be, of course it is loosely based on the Loch Ness legend, that is why I used loch in the title rather than lake. We are all here to share and learn from each other. Anyone who thinks they have no more to learn is an idiot of the first magnitude.

Here's one for you

At The Tartan Bonnet

At the Tartan Bonnet
next to the Smithy’s stall,
a picture labelled monster
is hanging on the wall.

The photograph is fuzzy,
looks like a bunch of tyres,
held to a piece of deadwood
by nails and string, or wires.

The locals say that tourists
are gullible, rich fools,
that no sign has been noted
by scientific tools.

The view over the water
is really rather good;
another compensation
is finest ale and food.

But of a Friday evening,
a face at the back door;
she sups her twenty gallons
and swims away once more.