Meter... The Workshop.

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Suggest a title.

Yesterday is gone, today is here
The future remains the offspring of today.
For as the day melts into night and night to day
Our hope for the celestial abode persevere.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Nigeria, NGA

Comments

If this is for the metre

If this is for the metre workshop, its title is not relevant as it is to show you have understood iambic pentameter.
It needs saving under the workshop tab.
Go to edit, scroll down to workshop, select metre workshop and save. If you can't manage that, post it on workshop thread.
It isn't a part of the workshop here.

Thanks for the help Jane.

Yeup

It's in the right place now. Jx

Time Shift

Lost in time
Chronos

A nice little write Cristiano

It has a nice even rhythm to it.... I'm presuming this is not for the workshop as it isn't iambic, rather mixed verse

A tiny grammar error
Our hope for the celestial abode persevere.
You can have
Our hope for the celestial abode perseveres.
Or
Our hopes for the celestial abode persevere.

Also, I feel the third verse is a tad long...
And you have used the word 'today' twice, close together, in a very short poem. It's a good idea to repeat as few words as possible in any poem, especially short ones

Here's my edit
I stress that this is in my opinion only.... but can you feel the difference in the rhythm?

Yesterday is gone, today is here
The future remains the offspring of the now.
For as day melts to night and night back to day
Our hope for the celestial abode perseveres.

I like Keith's suggestions for the title
My suggestion
Faith

Love judy
xxx

My error Christiano

So sorry ... it is for the shop after all.... the above edit I did is in free verse, not iambic....
Your poem is not iambic pentameter, I'm afraid
Good try though... do persevere, it will come

I have parsed it to show you the feet you have used....

Hope this helps
Love judy
xxx
.

Christiano,

this is essentially free verse. The ta - TUM of iambic rhythm is simply not there in most cases. My suggestion? Don't force it. Listen to it after you've penned it and read it naturally as though it were not poetry. Then decide if the strict rhythm of iamb is there or not.