lovedly
lovedly
Apr 16, 2017

The Final Version of Loved//// Neo's (maiden)Sonnet

Let’s Sonetize our Love

O beautiful woman I see every day
striding about the Garden of Eden
Singing a song of our maiden foreplay
like two sincere hearts honest and even.

But then your smiles of hallelujah, lullaby
bring to my deaf ears a sound for a while
You seem to say Dear Lover let’s fly
into the darkest corners where only heavens smile.

My desires you seem to know in advance
as I sing about you and then hold on.
Sincerely you love dance and romance
I have to render a hand before you are gone

The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.

THIS IS FINALE

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: UNIVERSE...ETERNITY C/O ME, ROU

Favorite Poets: All across the Internet whom I read

More from this author

Comments

Rula

This is really beautiful. It doesn't necessarily meet the sonnet's requirements, yet it is still well written. I athought you should write more structured poetry.
Bravo!

wesley snow

Troubles with meter. Some forced rhymes.
They say the greatest compliment is the ability to criticize.
This kicks structured western ass.
Lover, this is possibly the finest poem you have ever written. It is surely the best I have read.
Well done my lover. Well, so very well done.

Keith Logan

This is generally a fine sonnet but all works can be improved. The first three lines are classic. The fourth lets it down somewhat. Maybe something like two hearts honest and even. Next verse could read Into the darkest corners where only heaven smiles.

jane210660

It is one of the best things you've written and has massive potential.
Of course it would improve with fine tuning, most poems do.
In the penultimate line, you say 'off of'- some would argue that this isn't grammatically incorrect, but it's poor language at best. It doesn't read smoothly either.
'The sweeping off of your feet from the floor
Makes me confident to lead you to my door'

Perhaps a better line and keeping the 10 syllable count would be
'The sweeping you off your feet from the floor'

'The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.'

Lovedly, these are just suggestions, I'm sure you can come up with your own.
Jx

Keith Logan

Now, if you showed two versions of the final couplet for a vote, I would go for the first one.

lovedly

I erased it
how did you remember Keith
I may in my archives
the older version seek

I don't keep the original on my docu's
I shall in future I promise you

Still I will search
once from my friends post
in HOPES

Sparrow

I think that this one is very good and if true to form with some small edits would make an excellent piece.
Sonnets are to me too much of messing about with syllables and lines, I am glad it was not me to attempt this task.
Messages from the poets pen need to me to be more fun and not held by a strict rule of words.
Well done young Bard for pushing the limits.
I may feel to write a sonnet one day ??
You take care, Yours, Ian..

lovedly

I was wondering how you had missed it thanks a million
do try ts fun syllables are beyond me
take itv as freestyle SONNETRY
as if coming from a cemetery

good and happy read
bard me

Sparrow

I tried as you can see on my last post but some problem with stressed silly bulls,
Oh well I tried--
Take care young Bard,
All my best thoughts,
Yours Ian

Keith Logan

The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.

The reason I prefer this one is that the other talks of being confident. Not at all the way I would try to win favours.

jane210660

Both keith and I prefer the same one. Jx

lovedly

was very tired today
so I made the mistake
shall finalise after another comment or two

perhaps you two will win
I now agree
regards to both ===
equally

Keith Logan

Second verse, lines one and two, either smiles or brings should be singular (not both).

wesley snow

You're a hard man to get hold of.
I'll get straight to the point. I'm going to run a workshop on basic meter (with Jess' permission) and I would like very much for you to moderate. What say you? Have you the time and the inclination?

Keith Logan

but I cannot guarantee to be fully available all the time. I have several physical problems which can effect my ability to concentrate. Having said that I have already written something of an introduction to rhyme concentrating mainly on couplets, that may make a good starting point.

wesley snow

but still not a sonnet. There are rules to follow and you did not. Still and all a "lovely" poem.

lovedly

Let’s Sonetize our Love

O beautiful woman I see every day
striding about the Garden of Eden
Singing a song of our maiden foreplay
like two sincere hearts honest and even.

But then your smiles of hallelujah, lullaby
bring to my deaf ears a sound for a while
You seem to say Dear Lover let’s fly
into the darkest corners where only heavens smile.

My desires you seem to know in advance
as I sing about you and then hold on.
Sincerely you love dance and romance
I have to render a hand before you are gone

The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.

Naked Autumn Trees

Seeds- Root-Trunk-Branches –
soft feathery leaves
raindrops
small still
Spell bound nudity,
I am the autumn tree
lanky trunk
in cold winters breeze
I freeze...

My bark -like thin skin
tightens---
the warmth within me
I ought to contain
Autumns will come again and again
but for many years
I have to sustain...

My multi colorful leaves
strewn across the fields
still remember me as a mother tree
now stark bare and nude
but still lovely
why has it, its kids now abandoned.
lonely isolated leaves do wonder.

Out in the whiteness of snow
now I stand naked all alone
hoping spring will spring- soon enough
to re-clothe me

I will face many more autumns similarly
so friends abide with me
I stand stark naked
nude yet so lovely
all come to admire me
not birds only...