The Blue Ministry
They found me in the graveyard
I found a tooth and been drinking laid up
it was her grave, good as any
The rain was a ministry
the brambles broke in my mouth
I didn’t care at all
The cops came up
said what you doing boy
I said just killing time he said it’s killing us
Both of em kicked me
He said you don’t bother potter’s field
or it’ll bother you
I put the tooth in my pocket
They dragged me to the exit clawing
There wasn’t any car there
It was a police boat the streets were flooded
I said what in the hell
They said shut up boy
Everyone got to go some time.
I said I get sea swoll on them things
One had sunglasses the other had coalminer’s eyes
bitter as the moon
He said don’t worry I got something
And there was orange Dramamine
flake on a wafer
Things got cool and slow
I fingered my lips they was all red
Red on my fingers
I raised my collar proud
It was clown silk
The rain was a ministry.
My cheeks were rouged in small hexes
I stood we went over Miss Ahuata’s grave
I said I’m in a painting for damn sure
I tried to light a cigarette
but my arms were paddles.
And the police had gone
said to no one I knew
“This is cool and slow”
Slower than I’d thought
I sucked in and spat
the tooth out
Comments
Wow, you like your murders
Wow, you like your murders don't you?
I like a bit of Gothic and you seem to be very good at it.
Jx
There's no
There's no murder in this one. It is written in the vein of Frank Stanford, a Gothic poet, yes.
Think about the River Styx. Fate.
Ah
Wasn't sure if the subject had done the grisley deed - or if the boys in blue had sent the subject to a higher plane. My over reading.
But still like the Gothic vibe.
Jx
Hey Fink
I can see this one as a sort of prose poem, a story, and I love that. I really enjoy the Gothic mode of it! I will have to check out Frank Stanford as well.
What are your thoughts on where you'd like to go with this rough draft? Anything in particular you would like to focus on?
A few suggestions to get you started:
"I found a tooth and been drinking laid up" --> "I found a tooth and was drinking laid up". I think "was" will fit better here because it matches the past tense that you use with "found". When I read "been" I want it to read "have been" which is a different tense, so if you like that better, you might try "I had found a tooth and had been drinking laid up".
My other suggestion would be to consider using a little more punctuation to help define where you want the reader to pause or how you want them to read the lines. For example:
I found a tooth and been drinking laid up --> I found a tooth and been drinking, laid up
I didn't care at all --> I didn't care at all.
I said what in the hell --> I said, "what in the hell?!"
Hope this helps,
Kelsey
Thanks Kelsey
I think people used to write this way (guys like Brautigan and most of the time Stanford) a lot.
"I found a tooth" is a Southern expression for "I have a toothache".
Hello,
Absolutely enjoyed this. I do
think it could be improved but
wouldn't change it much, only
for the music ... it's raw and
fresh and that is part of the
appeal.