Well I remember yon fine day
down by the deep Loch Ness.
I cast my fly so far away
which soon caused me distress.
Instead of hooking trout out there
on mud banks thick and messy.
Stepped through flat fish floundering where
I had to battle Nessie.
I wrestled her as you have guessed
though that was not my plan.
I only wished for herring dressed
not pilchards from a can.
It took a while to free the line
that Nessie had entangled.
I found my rod, my tackle, twine
hopelessly were mangled.
She gave a roll of victory
and left at a great rate.
Then I saw, look full at me,
her own enormous mate.
Glad to say they went their way
and left me on the bank.
Now each day I sit and pray
and wonder who to thank.
Comments
Marvelous...
rhyme and pattern! I liked everything about this one. I couldn't find anything to crit. on this. Great job! ~ Gee.
.
Gee
Thank you. I am humbled.
Being a fellow,
Being a fellow Scot, I thought this was excellent. Regards Roscoe...
It probably takes a Scot
to truly appreciate our Nessie.
and wonder who to thank.
Why wonder
thank us
we have made you
poet
an
excelentuss
Poet?
I am happy to be a mere rhymer.
Keith,
I love the story of Nessie. I am really interested in all those mythological and "cryptozoological" creatures like Nessie and Yeti and all the rest. I am fascinated by folklore and learning how these creatures come to be in our imaginations and become mainstays of our folklore. I really enjoyed this fun little adventure you've woven into this poem. I have traveled to Ireland and will be travelling to London and possibly mainland Europe this summer, all for uni. One day I will make it to Scotland too! Visiting Loch Ness is on my "bucket list."
I'm not very good with meter, and my southern US accent doesn't help that either because I drawl words in an unusual way, but the following lines jarred a little for me:
hopelessly were mangled.
and left at a great rate.
When I try to parse it in my head, I can hear a metric pattern, but something about "were" on the first line and "a" on the second make me stumble. I wouldn't know what to suggest, if you were to consider changes, but I wanted to share my two cents just to let you know I've been and I read your poem closely like it deserves!
Take care,
Kelsey
Hello Kelsey
To me hopelessly were mangled starts on a headless iamb and ends (for those who pronounce the -ed on the end of that line) with a feminine stop. I don't pronounce that so have no problem.
HOPElessLY were MANGled. As to your other point, about "a" in that position, maybe it does ask a lot of such a little word but I'm of the opinion that in a piece of hokum, it can handle it.
Keith,
Thanks for your explanations! I did read the first line correctly (HOPElessLY were MANGled), so it must just be my ears!
Kelsey
your poem
I agree the language is very readable, with good rythme some excellent lines like "flat fish floundering"
Having been to Lock Ness I was stuck by the beauty of the water and surrounding hills. You might consider some additional description other than "mud banks thick and messy" Also, what did Nessie look like? Sound like? Why did you do battle with it rather than letting it go? Why did Nessie's mate just look at you rather than attack for having attempted to entrap its beloved? Is there any moral, any larger meaning of this event of snaring this modern mythological beast?
Two small things- what did you mean by herring "dressed". Also the word "yon" is middle English in a poem written in colloquial language, seems a bit out of place to me.
You have an enjoyable style, keep at it!
What a lot of questions
Am I so poor at communication? Guess so. First off, yon is a word still in common usage here in Scotland. Second, dressed herring is a fish fried in breadcrumbs. As to doing battle, that was necessary until the line could be freed and as for painting a more detailed picture, I prefer to leave as much as possible to the reader's imagination. See my poem "That summer" posted 16th July last year, where absolutely nothing is spelt out.
hi
Stanza 5, line 3 needs a bit of cleaning up for clarity sake.But I loved the tale as I have at times fished with tackle inadequte to the size fish hooked..............stan
That line
could easily start with the word "as" which would keep the meter strict. I prefer to drop it leading therefore with a headless iamb. It feels somehow more natural. I have also added a couple of commas to separate the thoughts. I hope that is enough.