I climbed a mountain once:
The views at the top made it worth it.
I was above a shroud of vapours,
That looked less so like cotton from above.
My slightly constricted lungs may have contributed:
to the dizzying effect of such beauty,
And the powder coated rocks mitigated my collapsed knees,
as the corners of my chapped lips rose triumphantly.
The howling of the wind threw hair against cheek:
Causing a harsh red from the whip wielding wind.
My joints had an almost gleeful ache as if they too:
believed the pain was worth it.
The little air I was able to inhale:
Filled my lungs with icy freshness.
And, as I was no longer climbing:
it was a gentle sip not a desperate gasp.
It’s a shame my journey didn’t end with a prideful dismount.
Instead it was the generic hum of an alarm:
Causing my feet to tangle in blankets instead of rocks,
And my face to be smothered by pillows over wind.
I had a dream that I climbed a mountain.
Though it isn’t my dream .
Mine is to know that my hardship was worth it:
After I had reached my peak.
It is a difficult path.
I often dream of a happy ending
And one day I'll get it
and I won’t have to hope it was worth it
Because I’ll know.
Comments
Little Hobbit
What a lovely write, there are some here that will guide you in form and rhythm, but to me this is a great write and it paints a picture of many things both inside and out.
Listen to that inner self as you do sometimes and there you will find a peace and more words to paint the universe.
Always remember that the best purple comes from tiny sea creatures that an emperor might wear lol.
Take care and I look forward to your next picture,
Yours, Bampy xx
Please have a go at critiquing some of the others writings,
in reading and listening to what they say you will learn so much.x
Thanks :) I will get round to
Thanks :) I will get round to trying to critiquing others but at the moment I am swamped with coursework and independent study :/
-TJ x
your poetry has real imagery
coming from a teenager 16 only
your poetry is lovely
compose more read twice as many
then see as you comment and receive
you will be
the poetree
Thank you! I don't have much
Thank you! I don't have much experience but I'm trying :)
all the best
you will
Thank you! I'm glad you liked
Thank you! I'm glad you liked my title , I find them to be the hardest part as it is hard to summarize with so few words :)
I used to write poems that rhymed but I recently started writing in free verse and found I enjoyed it much more!
Thanks!
dear purple hobbit,
your adventure with climbing the mountain, could also be taken for a metaphor for other lofty pursuits! even something personal such as taking steps to becoming a better person. I loved the imagery of this piece and the feelings it evoked! I also admired your simple one word title...one word can be worth a thousand pictures! nice to meet you!
always, Cat
I find sometimes the day
I find sometimes the day itself can be likened to climbing a mountain though I love your interpretation of self improvement! I'm glad you like my title as I find it very hard to name my poems :)
Nice to meet you too!
You are a fine word-crafter
and this is a lovely piece.
Something I do sometimes when something bothers me about a work I can't quite place, or to test the rhyme and meter of a piece, is copy and paste it into Word and remove all the line breaks so that it looks like prose, and then read it aloud. Here is the result.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0Pl6MX7W41D
It reads like prose, it is in fact poetic prose. I write almost exclusively in freeform but that doesn't mean abandoning all prosodic (the science of poetic meter and versification) techniques like meter, rhyme alliteration, consonance, assonance etc. It mean not sticking to a strict form.
Your work would be enhanced immeasurably by learning some prosody. We run workshops on various aspects of it but the most fun way to learn it is to read lots of great classic poems.
oh and your use of colons is completely off, they should be semicolons, commas or lost.
I hope you find this useful and not overly critical. I believe you have tremendous talent and potential.
I think my prose-like poetry
I think my prose-like poetry is a habit at this point , I think I might be influenced by the style of slam poetry which I find to be very close to prose! I've planned to join some workshops in summer when I have more time to commit myself with learning :) It will probably help my in my literature class along with my poetry!
I will amend my use of colons after I comment!
I always welcome criticism :)
Thank you very much,