weirdelf
weirdelf
Jan 21, 2011

The Tilled Field

By three am's deepest light
I had a sudden strange insight
that nothing new inside my brain
could sit and fester and just might
be nothing at all.

I used to hear dull people query
"how'd he come up with that theory?",
"where do his ideas come from?"
but now I look around, eyes bleary,
and ask the same.

A huge blow to my rampant pride,
but now there's nowhere I can hide
I'm just an ordinary man
with nothing special deep inside.
That is the price.

So I'll get up and sometimes shave
and try not to misbehave
a worker in a cultural field
each moment now is all I crave.
And that's ok.

.
.
.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

K

Well, well, well, if it isn't the elf from hell. Jess' kidding, of course, without remorse.

Jess, just seeing your name here made my heart dance! The poem, I'm not too crazy about, because we're creatures of great greatness and much weakness, and must add both ingredients to our humble pie.

Love,
~Anna

S

I guess I'll need to thicken my hide and keep my pencil extra sharp now lol. I think your poem does a good job of declaring that All are of value and worthy of being listened to. There are none "ordinary". the only change in your poem which comes to mind would be in the first line.Maybe something like: By 3 a. m.'s deep lack of light. BTW hope you were not affected by the flooding..................scribbler

weirdelf

don't do that. You know what I'm talking about.
Do you disagree? Do you want a flaccid social club? Would you deny others the critique which helped you come so far in your poetry?

Hooded Stranger

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Jess,

I have to say the wait for you to return was worth it. Great come-back write my friend.

From memory, this poem feels different...can't quite put my finger on it (but different in a good way).

And what is up with this line:

So I'll get up and sometimes shave
and try not to misbehave

...I am sure you sometimes shave but has there been a day yet when you have behaved?...Lol!

regards,

HS

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

is that I very seldom rhyme. I guess it takes a less didactic or esoteric tone than many too.

Let's just say this misbehavin' elf is going to be more constructive with his wicked ways

K

Just your signature line is worth more than all the trouble a weirdelf can get into, shaved or naked
as the day he was born. But, I am curious , how do elves *get born*? Ego first?

;-)

lou

lou

14 years 3 months ago

,

Look out Jess is back !!! Hi you old sod, nice to see you back. Great poem .

Love Lou

weirdelf

do you still have that article I wrote for the newsletter?
It may need some editing now. My old computer died and I think I lost it, can you PM it to me?
ta

themoonman

I like the content and the poem for the most
part, but something was bothering me about the
flow ... for me, I think it's the last line of each stanza,
they jarred the read for me, perhaps it was your
intention to give the reader a moment of reflection,
but it seemed to me that each of those last lines
could be smoother with added words, but it may be
something I would do and not necessarily any sort
of improvement ... anyway, good to see you back.

Richard

weirdelf

Damn! I've only been offered 2 pieces of critique on this and both of them I've had to reject.

Scribblers suggestion on what was actually a form of oxymoron, and

yours on what is, yes , my "intention to give the reader a moment of reflection" and to give the stanza a "dying fall", kind of like music ending in a minor key. That short last line in a stanza is actually quite a common device.

Thank you both, Scribbler and Richard and please continue to offer suggestions. I always listen carefully and even if I don't accept them they can prompt other ideas.

Psyve

Psyve

14 years 3 months ago

Very interesting, because the meter is wonderful ... including the unexpected shortened last line in each verse.

If there WAS a momentary awkwardness for me, it would be in verse 2, lines 2 and 3 where the meter changed for me:

"how did he come up with that theory?"
or "where do his ideas come from?"

I might change line 2 to

"how'd he come up with that theory?"

and remove one syllable from the next line.

Incidentally, line two by itself works perfectly. The meter is altered because the last syllable/ beat ( "y " from "query") of line 1 actually drops into becoming the first syllable / beat of line 2.

Also, I'd try using another word instead of "misbehave" which works well from a rhyme point of view but felt... odd... for someone at 3am....

... well, maybe not! lol

Just some random thoughts.

Enjoyed the overall feel of this one, including the sense of purposelessness of one suddenly feeling he has nothing to say.

Psyve

weirdelf

Thank you, I will be making some changes along the lines you suggested, allthough I'm kind of attached to the word misbehave, I can see how it jars.

Thanks again, this is what we come to Neopoet for.

M

I have not been sticking on glue
So nice to see you too
How have you been
Around the bend again

Jess Elf so nice to see you back mate and how the heck are you? I hope to read more of your work and you can tear my stuff apart too for after all is said and done it all gets stuffed back together again

LOL

Hope all is well by you and nice to see you on board.

Love and Peace
Magics

weirdelf

Never, by god ma'am, never! I should take a horse-whip to you, ma'am, if I wasn't such a perfect gentleman!

[grins]

good to see you and your cheezy little verses again too, magics

Barbara Writes

I'm glad to see you. My heart leaped a few feet when I saw your name.
Great write. I loved it. Truly heartfelt. I think it's perfect and needs no improvements. Though nothing is perfect and everything can benefit from improvements.

Welcome back

weirdelf

Have missed you especially my dear. I hear you've been achieving wonderful things. And I read in the forums that you might be getting Neopoet recognised by some course?

I'll check out your works as soon as possible

Eduardo Cruz

I wondered where you went, I asked around, but no reply.
I guess this poem is just a warmup for you, It's as if you had a self realization. I really don't think you needed too self realize. So is this just a test of the waters (Sorry couldn't help it.)
I'm just glad to see you back, neopoet just became a little more Interesting.
Welcome Buddy!!
Fast Eddie Esq.

weirdelf

There's always room for more self-realization. Although my therapist told me she thought I was one of the most self-aware people she had met. Which begs the question, either why am I in therapy, or what sort of people does she meet? teehee

Great to see you too, I'll get around to all my friends works and the newbies as I can, you know me, busy big elf (just to shake the stereotype)

Geezer

Geezer

14 years 2 months ago

to see you Jess, I haven't been doing as much as I was, but am trying to get back on track. I feel different, and I suppose I am. I don't think you are any more self aware than anyone else, just a little more articulate, and eager to share. But I'm no therapist. Anyways, good to see you working again. ~ Gee

Rottiestyl

You won't like this I am almost positive of it, but this cements what I thought about you all along, you are as human as the rest of us, and you love hard, shy, holding your breath ,succumbing a bit even give in on occasion. This is one of your better works to me, no licking of arm pits here even though that one was self explanatory to those who feel the need to test that ever over quote ' I love you body and soul and would die for you but wouldn't;t lick your arm out - liars!!. This was the JESS ,the real man you keep hiddrn for your hearts sake. need Ia say more?

Kim(V)

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 11 months ago

Hello WeirdElf,
Each moment now is all I crave

is a great finishing line, the poem leads to it logically.

I am not sure if addition of the words that it is okay makes it any more clear. In fact, I would not use it.
It is trivializing and diminishing the key conclusion.
Based on the rhythm of the poem, you keep your struggle under control accepting the transition and refocusing on conscientious presence.
It is a great write I relate to.
I can hear your armor clanks, solder of words, lord of meter, have a nice evening.

weirdelf

I had completely forgotten I ever wrote this poem (it happens often), thanks for bringing it back to my attention.
It was far more important than it seems, this is the trap of rhyming, which often trivialises.
I was watching television and found myself thinking things like
'uh oh, how's he going to get out of this one?'
and
'ooh, what will happen next?'
even
'wow, how did they come up with that idea?'

I never used to have those thoughts. I am well informed on the structure of narrative, formulaic plots and usually predicted the next line of dialogue and action. I felt my mind was failing. It was devastating.

What was more devastating was that it revealed my narcissism. I am not a major genius, I am a worker in a cultural context and I have to be ok with that. That's why that last line is important. To make it more clear would require a full re-write.
Which I might do.
Thank you.

IRiz

I am pretty sure that you delivered the idea perfectly and do not need to redo a good poem.
As I say the precise and simple style of it makes the reader think that you accepted the fact as is that you okay with it. I relate to the attitude very much. I was a soldier of science. (I wish I could be Einstein.) I only hope that I will become a soldier of poetry. The lack of unrealistic ambition is liberating and leaves energy to write.

weirdelf

you invented a new form. A really good form, over a hundred sunkus were written here from your inspiration.

My only task with you as mentor, is to inspire you to different themes and forms of your own. You will probably sack me as so many protegees have, because I am going to ask you to write dirty limericks, political protest poems, exposes of the numinous, sharing of epiphanies, expanding your repertoire limitlessly.

Is that such a big ask? [cheeky grin]

weirdelf

Let's make a deal.
If I ask you to write something and the result is not, in your estimation, worth posting, then we discuss it privately.
Just trust that my requests will not be arbitrary but based on my intuition/knowledge/insight into what I think you might need, not on what I want to change you into. FFS I would never want to change anyone into me, I'm not a sadist.
Is that acceptable?

IRiz

Cheers and have a good night while I am still living my morning. Isn't it weird to live so far away and still be able to talk and even understand each other? Rhitoric question, sorry.

fink555

how you do away with that sort of finery and preciousness, your honesty is so bold and striking: I used to hear dull people query
"how'd he come up with that theory?",
"where do his ideas come from?"
but now I look around, eyes bleary,
and ask the same.

A huge blow to my rampant pride,
but now there's nowhere I can hide
I'm just an ordinary man
with nothing special deep inside.
That is the price.

I love that. That is trademark Jess.

The whole thing has a Bardic majesty to it, besides