There are those who should refrain
after inheriting a brain
from their blind inane beliefs
of god, witchdoctors and spirit thieves
blinded by the tales
of a man held up by nails
their version of good and badness
evokes a sickening sadness
Sep 27, 2016
Intelligence Decimated
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Pumba
Firstly welcome to Neopoet site and I hope you will have a great learning time here..
Your first piece seems to take apart all the beliefs but in doing so there must be something left, there are no voids in beliefs.. Have a great time here and I look forward to your next piece, and I hope it has a better theme.
I think you are our first from Portugal just spread the word on your Face Book,
Yours Ian..
Good to see
Strong feedback for new members,
onya mate.
Or my own thought
God save us from religious zealots.
Like Gemma this reflects a lot of my beliefs too.
Nicely constructed, sound rhyme and meter.
Thank you Sparrow, Gemma and Weirdelf
I was very nervous about posting and appreciate your kind words.
I have to ask, Sparrow,
What is wrong with the theme?
I think it is pretty clear that I am attacking faith. Why does something have to replace it? Surely not another faith.
Pumba
Many poets will say that the theme has been thrashed to death. There are loads of people that will echo your words and to me that is the problem, Echoes.
Nothing to do with he quality of your work a the rest of the critique says..
I look forward to reading more of your works,
Yours Ian.T
I like everything...
about this poem. As W.E. says; it has everything a good poem needs. As to the question of trashing faith? Everyone believes in something. Even if it is not believing, as in: "I don't believe in anything. "I have faith, that there is nothing to have faith in". No problem here. We won't know until we have passed from this world, if there is anything beyond. At least, I haven't had anyone come back to tell me about it. Hope that you enjoy being here at Neo. Nothing to fear here, we are pretty well accustomed to just about any belief espoused. You just keep on writing whatever strikes your fancy. I guarantee that no one will chastise you for what you write about. [Well, maybe some might... but it will never be a persecution.] We accept all good poetry! ~ Geezer.
I have seen someting in Pumbas'poem I am surprised no-one picked
"of god, witchdoctors, indian chiefs"
Indian chiefs are not religious leaders. It could be construed as racist.
She wants to retain the rhyme. Any suggestions?
Jess
A good end to that would be, "And Spirit Thieves" Indicating those that destroy by miss representation the Spirit of Man..
Just a thought Young Man!!
Yours as always, Ian.
well done, youngster!
I hope she picks up on it.
Thank you Sparrow!
I will amend my first poem in your honour.
Pumba
Thank you for the insertion of the Spirit Thieves, as Jess said the North American Indian Chiefs are leaders and not usually religious people, they as in most older civilisations have Spiritual leaders, looking into the beliefs of these people would give you another facet in life.
Take care young one,
Yours Ian..
Or possibly
from their blind, inane belief
in god, witch-doctor or spirit thief.
Oh, by the way, welcome, draw up a chair and enjoy this friendly company.
well Im not a chief...but I am native
chieftans..scots had em...irish..african warring countries
poor old rhwanda...and the pesky Swiss!
and I do believe in God and Jesus..however this is
not a revival meeting...No conversion needed
I saw a few turned away by their faith by being shunned
no fault of their own or the human leaders corrupt or
worse...many charltans abound....Self faith is good!
this is a good poem..Not lambasting which is much
like the righteous..
Thank U!