Want to know just how I feel
I'll tell you now something real
I loved her when our hearts were pure
tho now the fire burns no more
I gave you trust you gave me lust
The golden circle has now bust
Fear me not I mean no harm
our chemistry has lost its charm
Don't bite your tongue and say your worth
Won't bite my tongue that can hurt
I seek the truth an what I found
A web of lies so tightly wound
I hate you not for choices made
Tho I won't be one who's at your aid
Life the gift left for us all some rise
above but most will fall
fear not the day witch is your last
Live slow in the now time goes fast
Everythings not quite what it seems
look at their grass I bet its green
Live your life for what is right
The choice is yours to run or fight
You made your bed tried to tuck me in
I can not sleep in sheets of sin
Peace of mined im to weak to find
The hardest task of mankind
I give you back what you put in
You've worn me down my skin is thin
Who knows truly write from wrong
We set the standard and live along
Your shelf of feelings up at the top
a balloon filled with anger sure to pop
In a world that's blind by greed
We take the clones no time for seeds
Addicted to ones own shame
I become so numb I welcome pain
Of all the words you've abused
There's only 3 that's left me bruised
Cruel intentions are bitter sweet
When used agents ones own symphony
See me now I'm crystal clear or am I
just transparent I'll disappear
Comments
You know you're absolutely
You know you're absolutely right I was going to put something different lol I went with that because that's how we say it where m from lol but you are right I did have thought about that line :) Ty for the feedback
Drew
These are the sort of rhyming lines I feel are from a much younger person.
The theme may be good but the double rhyming form you have used is stressed as if you struggled all the time to find a link word.
I see you are one of the new talk generation where we have to fill in the words correctly, for poetry it is bad, though we have modern poetry, it still conforms to most times pure language.
Sorry, but just couldn't equate this with anything other than Nursery rhymes but even those were very strict in the words used,
Yours, Sparrow..
Hi there!
You've got some wrongly used words in the poem. Here's some of them, bro
fear not the day (witch) is your last The word should be "which"
Live slow in the now time goes fast
Peace of (mined) im (to) weak to find They should be "mind" and "too"
The hardest task of mankind
I let you find the rest.
Alid
this poem would score
only on face book for sure
you will get a million likes
go try
red blue and white
Peace of mined!!! (im) to weak to find
witch!!!! did u mean which
many more minor typos
may u cure
edit as jess would like it
u i see r 3 years old
I have placed u in my readers list
I appreciate the attempt at critique, Loved
but talk sense, plain English. You have been around Neopoet long enough to have learned how to make positive, constructive critique.
THAT was just a message
critique I will
if I feel competent
the poet is good
Now I have..................
no excuses
you post way in excess of quality. You know I respect your gems.
Give back a bit for subjecting us to all your non-gems by giving rational, real english help to young poets.
You can. No excuses.
Shall shall
will
Yes absolutely
Absolutely and than you!!! I would like to see what it could become in the hands of someone else :)
All comments
Most of it was talk text I have been diagnosed with primary Progressive multiple sclerosis which took away 60% of my short-term memory I struggle a lot these days with spelling even more so than before that said I really do appreciate everyone who took the time to comment I will pull it down and redo it hopefully this time could make more for a poem also it was a freestyle to the song bittersweet symphony that my buddy record probably why so kid like in ryme and I'm no master I just enjoy to try and I copied down using talk text not my usual Style just something he thought was cool and I thought I would share. Thank you everyone for the thoughts and time much appreciated