lovedly
lovedly
Jul 12, 2016

The mirror of time (Reviewed)

Look into the mirror of time
one may feel quite sublime
it’s the same mirror
for everyone all the time
yes very much like sweet lime
vibrating
lovely chimes
the mirror alone smiles
you may also if you wish

Far in the distance
I see myself
roaming almost naked in the wilderness
as if I were to be born today
as my mom if alive would say

but that occurrence is now distant away
in memories of love alone most do stay

Come along friendly ones
look at the mirror of truth
how so ever young you may be
the mirror never does lie....

It’s only a reflection of time...

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: UNIVERSE...ETERNITY C/O ME, ROU

Favorite Poets: All across the Internet whom I read

More from this author

Comments

Sparrow

With your range of words and feelings you have the ability to write great poetry, this has the bones of such a piece.
Now put your mind to the task of putting the finishing touches to this to make it great,
I support you always, but come on I am just an observer, there in the shadow of the years, a voice cry's out, then for a moment is heard throughout the universe, then the voice becomes a whisper, and the universe waits again for a cry..
Yours as always young Bard, Ian..
PS:- as usual the message on my screen shouts at me, the mirror becomes misted in the throws of loss..
You have no new updates. Keep writing!

lovedly

You raise my morale
beyond the massive dense clouds
and
there I hide
in the unfathomable folds of eternity
on my side

where will we meet
ere the end
and
make amend
Ian you are
the POETICA /NEOPOETICA
iron man....

jane210660

Hi Lovedly
Ian put it very succinctly. You can write some wonderful poetry, very beautiful, emotive and well structured.
But you tend to go off into waffle a lot, which besides being hard to understand, seems a bit trite at times.
I think you could polish this up to be another of your greats.
Jx

jane210660

Hi Lovedly, I'm not rewriting your poem for you, that's your department but I have one or two suggestions you may (or may not) want to consider when writing. I'm not a great expert, but as a reader, there are certain things I notice when reading some of your poems, including this one.
1. Don't force the rhymes. Poems don't have to rhyme, particularly if by making it do so, you lose the sense and meaning.
2. Try and keep the meaning clear. You have a tendency to use what seems to be a random selection of words, which don't make sense - well not to me at any rate.
3. Your image of a mirror of time is wonderful, but then you start to waffle. Why will we feel sublime and how can you say 'all' will? Not every one likes to be told what they will or won't feel, so you risk alienating your reader.
4. Why do you split the word sublime? What do you mean? Sub means under or less than, lime either a fruit or colour. It doesn't make sense.
5. 'In memories of love, alone I do stay' is a great line, but seems to me to be isolated. It hasn't been woven into the poem, just stuck there.
6. one's should not have an apostrophe. Apostrophes are used to show possession or abbreviation, this is plural so doesn't need one.
7. Keep the theme of your poem intact and work the threads in, so things don't stand out in isolation.
You can and do write some cracking stuff. If I were you, I would concentrate on the good stuff and possibly write fewer poems of higher quality.
As I said, I'm no expert, these are just my thoughts. Jx