In all the “Once upon a times”
I have ever heard or witnessed,
the story that most soothes my soul
begins with the end of Autumn.
This tale starts with trepidation
and meanders through a landscape
slowly fading to shades of grey
like memories cast in shadow.
It is here I feel the voices,
echoing brightly through the years,
with remembrances softly
crooning songs of joy and regret.
I find the time to take a breath
and temper the fickle sorrow
that was founded in bitterness
into cautious consolation.
My delights and satisfactions
gain a winnowing perspective
which brings them into sharp focus
lest my appreciation fade.
Thus Winter becomes a springboard,
a foundation that slays my fears,
and delivers a quiet hope
that will carry me through the year.
Comments
i admire the introspection
was a time sober I sat in bars
the priestly patron listening too
those come in for R&R
and conversations dabbled
in breaks from the raccous
cacaphony and din
brings me back
and winters behind
at the moment
as each day the sun
grows weaker
the kindest months
now till Autumn
thank U!
response to your poem
I love the poem, the content and the title. It mostly flows well and is most pleasing.
There are few things to consider re editing. Your introductory verse is inviting, arouses interest. Beautiful phases and terminology in the second stanza - superb.
In the third verse, also lovely, I found the word 'crooning' felt somewhat jarring, dating, but then again it is a nostalgic moment and maybe that is the right word. I wondered if something less coy could work better.
Instead of...
'with remembrances softly
crooning songs of joy and regret'
maybe consider...
'with remembrances softly sung
songs of joy and regret'
Or: 'serenades of joy and regret'
'lilting tones of joy and regret'
'odes to joy and regret')
'Softly sung songs' also gives some pleasing alliteration, but really it could be just my personal aversion to the word 'crooning' as I don't like the sound of it with the rest of your poem being more elegant, subtle, dreamy.
....
In the fourth stanza I'm thinking maybe a slight edit here could help. This is the version as it stands and another option to follow:
I find the time to take a breath
and temper the fickle sorrow
that was founded in bitterness
into cautious consolation.
I find the space to breathe
fickle sorrow with bitter roots
tempered
eases to cautious consolation
...
Stanza 5:
My delights and satisfactions
gain a winnowing perspective
which brings them into sharp focus
lest my appreciation fade.
Consider:
Delights, satisfactions
gain a winnowing
perspective
bringing sharp focus
lest appreciation fade
(simply tightens it up and creates more intensity)
.....
Closing Stanza:
Thus Winter becomes a springboard,
a foundation that slays my fears,
and delivers a quiet hope
that will carry me through the year.
Consider a more impactful conclusion otherwise your beautiful poem may not deliver as you intend:
Winter slays my fears
springboard of
quiet hope
solid base
to year's end
...
Thought it might be good to cull a bit as it is a lovely poem and very worthwhile -
sometimes less is more :)
Let me know your thoughts...
Regards
Eleanor
Jonathan
Can I say a beautifully structured poem, in words that is.
A bringing of the thoughts together for our winters time.
Is it true to say we all liken our lives to the seasons of the years.
I am there in the space between autumn and winter probably more into winter than I wish to wander, due to flitting thoughts of regret for things undone and wishes that lingered into the shadows of age.
Thoughts of those probability tracks not gone down, and there the beacons of some I wished I had tarried with longer.
Thank you for your words, Yours as always Ian..