scribbler
Jan 20, 2011

THE LONG WALK

I went back to the inspiration for the 1st poem I ever wrote..............

Come my dear and walk with me
as I travel down this path.
Who knows what sights we may see
or our journey's aftermath?

Let's stroll slowly holding hands;
we'll often stop to rest
while seeing ever newer lands
pausing at the views which we like best.

We'll help each other ford the streams
and scale the steeper grades
sharing all our doubts and dreams
while hearing song bird serenades.

Now we've gone past half the way
and the slope has turned down hill.
As we approach the end of day
know that I love you still.

for Susan

About This Poem

Last Few Words: To any friend who reaches a wall in their writing : go back to your beginnings................stan

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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More from this author

Comments

S

Susan doesn't like to read stuff about her. Something about crying giving her headaches. I'm glad to know you like this and expect Sue will read it while I'm at work...................stan

S

sometimes it doesn't doesn't matter matter how many times I I go over a write I still do a typo lol. I am glad you caught both levels of this little thing.....................stan

Nordic cloud

Ah such comradeship and understanding is worth all the years of striving and toiling, when there beside you is such a bride in life, a wife, a well loved friend, you are blessed and bless us with your poem Stan, your 'scribble' cannot be misconstrued, it is pure, honest, love. Thank you for the vision of you both and my love to you. Ann

Hooded Stranger

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Stan,

I walked with you on this journey, hope I didn't hold you nup too much!

This one oozes with imagery, something you are an expert at. You'll tell me you're no expert...but I won't listen, to me you are!

Had an issue with the first stanza, which I think is just a typo or me not getting it!

Come my dear and walk with me
as I travel down this path
who knows what sights that we may see
or the journey's aftermath (should that be 'on the journey's aftermath"?"

Like Susan, I often cry and get a headache reading your work!...Lol!...only kidding.

regards,

HS

S

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

The meaning of that line is that at the beginning of the journey we know neither what sights may be seen nor the aftermath of having taken the journey. I know it is easy to misread another's intent and appreciate the suggestion. I heard aspirin and tissues are both on sale lol.................stan

K

I would, however, omit *that* we may see. I think imagery needs an anchor to our feelings, otherwise they're just words "we may see".

;-)

A

S

You an also ran? RIIIIIIGHT lmao. See the above explanation as to line's intent then tell me if it makes sense as is. This is first posting of this although I posted one on similar theme earlier......................stan

Hooded Stranger

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

JayCee,

sorry mate!...let's share the idea?

Lol!

HS

loved

loved

14 years 3 months ago

Now we've gone past half the way
and the slope has turned down hill
as we approach the end of day
know that I love you still........................................

Such love and compassion from
Stan the man who’s seen many a dawn
Surely not perhaps I have seen so many more a morn

loved

All My Love
Your poetic profile
Surpasses all creative
Orders of my intelligence
I feel dwarfed
Daring a comment
Perhaps twill build within me
Some parallel confidence
That i too may be able
To poemise a side you
Some day without reservation
And
Doubtful manifestation

S

But between the 2 of us, You are the one published, not me. Do not underrate your unique style or skill.............stan

loved

As midnite approaches
The hour comes slowly
The nite twas once young
Now submerges
Into the glory of snows
Which glisten around
And at night it appears as day
So none the less
As we are four hours ahead your time,
Tis time to pat each other
And say good nite

judyanne

to do more work on the meter, aren' t you ? lol
love mm
xx

a nice sentiment Stan... but weak as a poetic piece imo
dare I say - Hallmark?

lol - entering into the spirit of the upcoming critique WS, starting in a couple of days - so I'm warming up my shark's teeth...
:)
love judy
xxx

S

Well that would be great because it would result in actually being paid for writing lol. You need to come up with something better than Hallmark when dealing with avaricious me lmao. Do you know their address or maybe you want to be my agent.pmsl.......stan

mand

You're a softie! - this is a lovely poem for Susan and the life's journey you've taken together - the joy and the difficulties - all of which have made you stronger and appreciate each other more.

My personal opinion: ( I'm no professional so ignore if I've got it wrong )

I would like to see a different title. ( that is if your poem is about you're life's journey together )
"the long walk" - something like "Together We Walk" :)

As Judy says - shortening some of the lines would help the flow.

Other than that - your poem shows real feeling / emotion and was a delight to read. :)

Keep safe Stan

Love Mand xxxx

S

If you'll notice the date of original submission you'll see that I Do keep going back to older stuff with intent to improve on them. (in this instance a poem written in 2011). I'll give the title more thought but with my reluctance to change titles I'll need to come up with something really goof before using it . And I might just go over this again with meter in mind also.........always good to see your Hollywood self show up................stan

wesley snow

This is a beautiful love poem and I commend you. It is a one Kleenex poem.

S

I did a LOT of experimenting and covered a lot more subjects during the time before you arrived. Not much wonder you think I'm not capable of stretching. In the 6-7 short years I've been writing I've actually invented.......Hmmmm......4, I think, types of poetry : morphing, Rhyku, parallel, convergent. Of them all I think morphing might be the most likely to catch on. Parallel and convergent might if they weren't such a pain to post and Rhyku is just an Americanized type Haiku and Senryu. Oh year I also accidentally even stumbled upon concrete form lol. BTW what was the urgency about writing a new type love poem? I'm still thinking about how that might be done ........stan

S

is a project why not write a poem dealing with spring which has more than one level? Or one about an old fat guy who writes too many nature poems lmao.............stan