raj
Apr 14, 2016

Illusion

The mist was clearing
on a chilly day
frosting the glass
on the window pane
I drew a heart
hoping it would beat
to the gentle strums
of a harp within

I saw a door
around the heart
embracing it
in a welcome warmth
I tapped on that door
in hope and in prayer
to save me from agony
and despair

The mist soon cleared
almost in haste
the heart was gone
from the window pane
I knocked on that door
till my knuckles turned red
listening to the song
going cold again

i leaned against that door
in vain
with hands in my pockets
misty eyed
I took a few gingerly steps
then looked back
the door too had vanished
leaving my heart
homeless....

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

Keith Logan

If the first two verses stood alone this would be complete and end on hope. the addition of the next two verses takes it back full circle to end as sadly as it starts. it is well written and I don't feel inclined to nit pick a poem like this.

R

Thanks for your read and elaborate comment. You are right about the 3rd and 4th verses making it a complete circle which is why I chose the title "Illusion"

Regards,

Rula

here raj that come so true all through.
I also like the musicality created by the alliteration and the consonance.
You gave a clichéd theme a fresh voice.
Bravo!!

R

raj

9 years ago

Thanks for the read and your comment. Do you think that in the fourth stanza I should have concluded at "bleary eyed"?..

Regards,

Rula

To be pretty honest, i didn't like the "misty /bleary eyed" line, but as I couldn't point out why, I preferred not to mention it. However, I liked what you brought after that line though it becomes somber, or maybe that's what I like about that addition.
I would most probably keep it if that was mine.

Rula

can remove others' comments Loved. NO WAY!

lovedly

as many times the compy was knocking off and on
may be mine got washed of Rula

thanks coz

I am '''seeds''' of poetry
not available in any nursery
so just smell my fragrance
kindly let me be
that poet tree
where many come
to find shade beneath
believe me
I am the only single one
ever born under
the sun
not by just any son!

lovedly

Thanks to you
any criticism will do from all of you
to whom as a poet
I am due
but now not new

jane210660

Oh, I was on edge reading this.
I really like your style, I've obviously read the edited version, which I think is great.
I find critique very difficult, because poems are so personal and if the poet likes it that way, then that's fine by me.
Jx

Keith Logan

not one of the many gushy, lovey type forums around the net. If the author was not at least willing to consider change, he or she would not offer up their work for critique. At least that's how I think of it anyway.

jane210660

Yes Keith you're perfectly right.
Funny thing is, I don't mind people critiquing my work and all contributions welcome. I just find it hard to be critical of something I am impressed with.
This is bizarre, as I've been a teacher for over 30 years and very used to marking and even teaching children how to critique. I think it's because I know my pupils and know where to point them to help improve their work, whereas here, I'm new and a relative stranger. This will change of course :-) Jxx

R

Keith is right Jane about critiquing, especially this being a workshop site. Feel free to critique my work. Trust me it would be received in a positive spirit, more so because I consider myself to be on a learning curve, therefore more critical comments are welcome...

Regards,

judyanne

This is beautifully written
Nothing I would suggest to change
love judy
xxx

R

Thanks Judyanne for your appreciative comments. Means a lot when they come from accomplished poets like you...

Much love and hugs..