raj
May 17, 2016

Short Lived

With a quill I wrote verses
in lavish strokes of pink
somewhere along the line
I ran out of your ink
no other ink can ever script
those mystic duets
of a poem once begun
but without an end line...

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

Esker

Esker

8 years 11 months ago

tracing the complicated rivers
within....
the ink like a dye
the matters of the Heart!

thank U!

they have a short life span
but shed much insight
in medical
Love is oft like this

R

I must thank you Esker rather than you thanking me...it's a privilege when the likes of you, Keith , Judyanne spare time, make constructive suggestions and appreciate my effort..

Regards,

Keith Logan

Indeed I only comment on poems I like
but I have one or two suggestions;
1st. it naturally breaks into two quatrains.
2nd.Third line from end I would drop "rest of"
3rd. Second line from end I would drop "which had"
I think something along those line would be a final polish.

judyanne

This is beautiful

I agree with Keith's suggestions
as well I would like to suggest that you change 'write'to 'wrote' in the first verse, in order to bring the tense in line with the rest of the poem....
also, verse 4, I suggest changing 'no ink' to 'no other ink'

(Just me)

An emotive and gentle write - i really love it
Hugs
judy xxx

R

Hi Judyanne...

So nice of you to stop by and thank you for your chime ...your suggestion of course is spot on just like Keith's ...i shall adopt them pronto...in fact i had originally written "no other ink" and later had dropped "other" ...your suggestion to restore "other" tells me I was right in the first place...

Much love and hugs...

R

raj

8 years 11 months ago

What do you think about the Title? I was initially thinking about "Longing"..will appreciate your thoughts on the Title..

Regards,

Esker

Esker

8 years 11 months ago

because its a lead on to more
then just the following
expectation of title prompts

thank U

Keith Logan

I quite like "End Point" which would tie in with the last line.

judyanne

But I'll suggest others ....
unfinished
incomplete
found wanting

Just one more suggestion - drop the last word and finish with just 'but without an end'
(just my opinion, of couse)

Love judy
xxx