After months of brain-wash
he headed
-as a mouse-
towards a kindergarten's
playground.
His steps margined
the hooded dark thoughts,
then no ocean
ever cleansed
the sinful hands.
Feb 01, 2016
The Terrorist
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Salam, Rula
Short, but very precise. Thanks for sharing.
Alid
Thank you
Khalid.
Yes,
Yes as Alid says short and precise, but also very powerful and sad. Love Roscoe..
I agree with Alid and Roscoe.
I agree with Alid and Roscoe. However, could you explain the meaning of "margined"?
The way the terrorists feign their way and kill innocents is crisply expressed in the short verses.
Regards,
I
wanted it like confined, but this is how I heard it inmy head.
sorry, I couldn't still
sorry, I couldn't still understand your intent of using "margined"...could you elaborate please Rula?
hello again raj
In simple words, he wasn't thinking much about what he's doing while going to do it.
Oh ok....i now know what you
Oh ok....i now know what you mean to express by choosing the word "margined"...i checked but the dictionary meaning doesn't mean that...if I come across an alternative word I will suggest...
nevertheless it doesn't take away anything from your nice little crisp poem...
Regards,
thank you raj
I really appreciate your time and words of encouragement!!
This sounds like guilt of
This sounds like guilt of wrong doings
"His steps margined" A line that can not be crossed, like a margin on paper when you write.
"then no ocean
ever cleansed
the sinful hands."
this sounds incriminating, by the person them self or is it from the writer.
I am sorry, but I am not clear about this.
and is the protagonist child like in thoughts of right and wrong.
"towards a kindergarten's
playground".
Children learn the meaning of right and wrong, but do not know the difference until they learn of consequences.
I am lost here, to many aspects to this that are not clear to me.
I can't find the jest of this and that bothers me.
Eddie C.
hello Edd
and thanks for the time. I am not sure where confusion comes from. It's all a description of the torrorist and his actions.
The kindagarten and it's playground is the terrorist's target as innocents are always their aim ( children, civilians, worshipping places...etc)
After months of "brain-wash" terrorists 'skip' any reasonable /human thinking. They become only interested in killing
Does that make any sense?
Yes!
The confusion was for me, that most poems are written in metaphors, but I see that this is very direct.The problem was that I was trying to read between the lines and there is no between the lines here. My bad, In this understand it is a very good poem thanks for sharing your thoughts on monster that are created by other monsters.
Eddie C.
Why I liked this piece
1) It's a thought, not a story, a snatch of moments that may lead anywhere
2) The way it adhere to the February 2016 contest rules is subtle and imaginative
3) It pulls me through from start to finish with a quiet insistence
4) The use of the word "margined" in an unexpected manner that causes the reader to supply their own narrative for the word, thus expanding the poem without including additional words
5) It's the February 206 Contest Winner
Well done and congratulations.
Thank you sir
I highly appreciate your thoughtful feedback, the kind words and the honor of choosing it as the winner of February contest.
Much appreciation!!!