I saw you lying 'neath my leafless trees,
the ardent sun has washed with golden hues,
while others joined a dance with autumn's breeze;
so glamorous, it over-sparked my muse.
the ardent sun has washed with golden hues,
while others joined a dance with autumn's breeze;
so glamorous, it over-sparked my muse.
Some whistled tunes across the ocean's shores,
some whispered lines, they're never heard before,
the smaller leaves have gone on endless tours
or headed into some mysterious lore.
Some scattered 'round the place, like broken souls
that failed to joy whate'er they had to get,
those marks and wrinkles seasons had to call,
disappointed arrogance they had and yet
you still are lying there as if you cling
to what the coldest winter has to bring.
some whispered lines, they're never heard before,
the smaller leaves have gone on endless tours
or headed into some mysterious lore.
Some scattered 'round the place, like broken souls
that failed to joy whate'er they had to get,
those marks and wrinkles seasons had to call,
disappointed arrogance they had and yet
you still are lying there as if you cling
to what the coldest winter has to bring.
Comments
Beautiful poem...
but... (there must be a "but" or I fail you) don't contract "disappointed". Your meter is not so solid as to worry about it.
That's the other "but"... I'm not sure I'm crazy about the meter. There are few problems with "rhythm" though, so I wouldn't concern myself overmuch.
As to rhyme: "Souls" and "Call" doesn't cut it.
not sure
where does my meter go wrong.
I agree about 'souls' and 'call'
Shall consider if I decided any editing.
Thanks for the time sir.
nice creation of fall
nice creation of fall scripted in verse by you Rula...perhaps you may want to take a fresh look at the closing stanza to make it easier on tongue....
Regards,
Thank you Raj
for the visit and the time.
hi Rula
Good write
I think you should perhaps hyphenate 'over-sparked'
and I agree with Wes re the contraction of 'disappointed', but I don't find any fault with the meter....
I do have a problem with the grammar, especially in the verses
'some whispered lines that never heard before,'
'the smaller leaves have gone in endless tours'.... - change 'in' to 'on'
'that fail to joy whate'er they had to get'
Love the final couplet...
love judy
xxx
Thank you Judy
as always for the thoughtful feedback.
I agree with Judy.
(I'm not being very nice to this poem am I?).
There are some grammar problems there.
Don't worry sir
it's only a poem. Thank you for the second visit.
Always appreciate it.
Dearest Rula
I have read this one a number of times, but have not had time to comment. I agree with above and like the changes. Just one last thing, be careful with the masculine/feminine rhyme in lines S2 L2/L4.
Thanks,
Thank you Scott
I see that mysterious is four syllables, but I usually read it as three. Don't know if I can go with it.
It works just fine.
It can be pronounced with three or four syllables. I use four. The point is that either way I think the word works. Three matches the meter. Leave it for the reader to figure it out. The reader is wiser than we sometimes gives him/her credit for.
Thank you sir
For letting me know.