alidzain
alidzain
Nov 06, 2015
This poem is part of the workshop:

Storytelling in Verse (sempiternal): The Ballade

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The Birth of Nivais (Ballade WS)

The poison from the lips of men has spread
Their gentle words are fully crafted lies,
deceiving elves who think they'll share their bread
when schemes are hatched beyond the elfin eyes
The greedy King of men is cutting ties,
he wants to cause the orcs and elves to fight,
to be the pawns he sends and then denies
Beware! The hands that strike within the night!

The seeds of doubt will cause the blood to shed.
A priest of truth, he weeps for peace that dies.
Almor, the wise, has seen the land turn red
and men will ride to fill the air with cries
of weakened fools they'll kill to feed the flies.
He sees it when his soul has taken flight
but none will heed his words and call to rise.
Beware! The hands that strike within the night!

The lords of orcs and elves begin to fade,
their lives are forced to end by human spies.
The grief and rage are spawned, they raise their blades
and then the battle starts before the sunrise.
Almor, he leaves to search for elves' allies
to save his people from the grip of blight
but all his deeds can't stop the battlecries.
Beware! The hands that strike within the night!

Almor returns with dwarves of Lorthanhise
but all is lost, the elves are stripped of rights
He wants revenge and forms the Nivais
to be the hands that strike within the night!

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson

More from this author

Comments

Rula

Rula

9 years 5 months ago

No wonder Wesley is always biased to your side. You both have such an imagination to create stories. It's a talent that only a few have. You are one of them.

I like the storyline, although I am not a fan of fantasy.

I also believe meter is good throughout.

and I think to put 'orc' and 'elves' in capitals. What do you think?

All in all, a very well done job here. Congratulations!

alidzain

That's what my mum said when I was younger. I'm very imaginative. lol. My prob is never about finding the themes for a poem, its always about how to express them in poetry forms and of course, meter, tenses and rhymes.

Hmm about the capital letters, I think I leaves it as it is unless someone else give the same suggestion.

Glad you enjoy it.

Alid

judyanne

One grammar problem
The poison from the lips of men have spread
- has spread

One tense mix
The grief and rage are spawned, they raised their blades
- raise

One verse not quite iambic
A -MOR | he LEAVES | to SEARCH | for ELVES' | ALL -ies

A really interesting write Alid.
i really like the refrain

Love judy
xxx

judyanne

I only pointed it out in case you didn't know.
it's hardly noticable, and we have to cheat sometimes lol

Me - I would cheat further and make it a feminine line (Wesley doesnt like them lol -) as to my ear it works better than ending an iambic verse with trochee.

al -MOR | he LEAVES | to SEARCH | for AN | -y ALL -ies

However, since the ballade has strict meter, both ways are a cheat - it just depends which way, to your ear, best hides the fault.
Hope that helps
Love judy

judyanne

the prior verse also ends in trochee
- 'and then the battle starts before SUN -rise'

Again, it is minor, and you shouldn't sweat on it

Consider cheating again with a 'the' before 'sunrise'
(But don't tell Wes I suggested it, if you do)
:)
xxx

wesley snow

when schemes are hatched beyond the elfin eyes (this needs a period)
The greed of King of men is cutting ties, (not clear, not clear at all. Not even a grammar fix. I don't know what you said)
The seeds of doubts will cause the blood to shed. (doubt should be singular)

THE BALLADE IS FANTASTIC. I thought this was supposed to be hard and you people are popping them out like McDonald's hamburgers.

alidzain

''The greed of King of men is cutting ties''

What I mean to say the king is slowly betraying the elves when he saw how much lands and wealth they have but he cannot attack them directly so he used the orcs to ensure there will be a war between the two races to weaken the elves. This line suggest that the humans and the two races were once close allies but their king's greed gets in the way.
So how do you think I can rectify this? Any suggestions?

Alid