judyanne
judyanne
Nov 05, 2015
This poem is part of the workshop:

Storytelling in Verse (sempiternal): The Ballade

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The Stuff of Nightmares (Ballade WS) edited with alternate 'tease' ending...

My aunt was standing on the table top
while screaming out an eardrum-piercing tone.
My mum had raised aloft a dirty mop
and tried to call my father on the phone.
She yelled at us to leave the door, and moaned,
'All stay outside.' - She was in such a state
of increased female-form testosterone,
the day the snake was hiding in the grate.

Of course, we kids were too intrigued to stop.
We wished to see now, was it venom prone?
To get a better view we'd jig and hop.
We loitered 'til Mum threatened broken bone
(and waved the mop - we smelt it's yuck cologne).
If dared we'd come a step inside, our fate
to be much worse than anything we 'd known,
the day the snake was hiding in the grate.

My Dad was busy checking sheep and crop
so t'was a time before he turned up home,
and meanwhile Mum and Aunt, about to drop
from fear and near exhaustion, chaperoned.
When Dad arrived he said in undertone,
'The thing has gone beneath the house I'll rate.
No doubt it slithered underneath the stone,
for there's no snake now, hiding in the grate.'

The situation drew from us a groan.
A serpent lurked beneath in deadly wait.
Not one of us was keen to sleep alone
the day the snake was hiding in the grate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alternate ending (for the 'tease')

Our future circumstance now unbeknown -
a serpent lurked beneath in deadly wait.
What happened next would make a grown man groan,
the day the snake was hiding in the grate.
.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I edited the version on the WS page..... fixed what faulty iambic I could see, and got rid of the obvious off sound of brown and frown.... as well as the double use of 'alone' .... the c rhyme is still not perfect..... any suggestion anybody?..... would also appreciate suggested titles

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

More from this author

Comments

Sparrow

This reminded me of my Sister from Perth, and of the snake that crawled under her house.
The snake man came and despatched it as if cracking a whip, not for me that task lol.
Loved the write it told everything in true form as usual,
Yours as always Ian xx

judyanne

They're everywhere here Ian - both snakes and snake catchers.
You never told me you have a sister here... or do you mean Perth, Scotland? I didn't know that Scotland had snakes, so maybe you do mean here..?

Thanks for the kind comment re the poem
love judy
xxx

Sparrow

I had a Sister in Perth WA but that damn "C" took her away.
She left England in 1949, married and had two children there in Bassendean, a girl Janet, and a boy Steven.
Steven left to join his Mother a few years ago, also Eileen's Husband joined them a few years later.
My niece, now Janet Phillips, is near Adelaide and is a priest there.
I use to have lots of Aunties there in Aussie, my Mother went to Aussie to see them, and it was in the newspaper that she met her Sister for the first time in 63 years.
So I have lots of connections with Australia, now my Daughter lives in Brisbane with her family, I visited them a year or so ago, another connection with your country, but I may be becoming unfit and unable to travel there physically.
You take care and know that we can still walk together even though the distance is great I am but a thought away,
Yours, Ian ..x
PS:- There are snakes in Scotland but just the Viper, or Adder, it is venomous but not usually lethal..

Rula

Rula

9 years 5 months ago

wellmetered and a vivid story. Can't see anything to suggest other than
this verse,
"of increased female-form testosterone"

the ending sounds heavy and not very poetic for my ear.

I know you'd find an alternative if you share me the same opinion.
It's all yours, I have already enjoyed the read.
Bravo!

judyanne

Lol - I don't want to change that verse ... it's one of my favourites....
I'll see if I get any other opinions about it
love judy
xxx

alidzain

This ballade fills me with envy
for I can never be as good as thee.
There's no need to say the obvious.
You already know you're good, my precious.

Alid

judyanne

Thanks Alid

sometimes, I guess, I pull it off
but don't you go and yourself scoff
you have a talent and a fire
and your grasp of English, I so admire.

Love judy
xxx

alidzain

you're too kind. My meter is always hectic. I can't do it constantly.

Alid

wesley snow

You are in control of your meter completely. You may have a little trouble with trochee, but your mastery of iamb is unquestioned.
Stop kidding yourself and call a good a good.