scribbler
Oct 26, 2015

LEAF ENVY

Leaves play tag as they descend
toward the waiting autumn ground
where they're chased by a brisk wind
with a desiccated rustling sound.

They'll soon settle in their final home;
the rain and snow will bind them there
where they'll join with their kindred loam
leaving the trees cold and bare.

I watch this on a fresh fall day
and think of my once running too.
Was I running toward or away?
Way back then I never knew.

But now my chasing days are done.
Run you leaves while you still can!
While I limp on toward my setting sun
as befits a lame old man.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

Geezer

The story is just as good as any you have ever written, but the rhythm is broken in a couple of places. Some of the lines are really great [ Leaves play tag as they descend]
[ toward the waiting autumn ground ]
There's a couple of others though, that need a bit of work.
[While the trees stand cold and bare]
[As befits a lame old man]

There places that keep perfect rhythm and some that falter. I know that you can fix them.
~ Gee

S

Thanks for the visit and honest opinion. As you know I usually wait a bit before editing anything except typos but I'll keep your ideas in mind when I Do edit this one.......stan

vandiemenspeak

I like the sense of pathos this evokes. There's a real sense of autumnal reminiscing, and some serene, detached imagery, i liked:

the rain and snow will bind them there
where they'll join with their kindred loam

The meter isn't strict - but then i think it's better for its susceptibility - only crit is at the end, don't give up on the old dog yet, almost sounds like an elegy!

Nice work.

All the best ,

Chris.

S

There are days when the weather and chronic pain lead me to write in this dirge like manner. But then the sun comes out and I have a "good" knee and shoulder day and I'm back to my old self lol. Thanks for dropping by......stan

wesley snow

I'm in good shape.
If you hadn't written so many "different" poems of late I'd complain, but you have paid your dues and it's past time for a stroll.

judyanne

And no compaints about the meter either :)
Love judy
xxx