All the lightening ridge along We drove
All day, through dappled warmth and cool
Under canopy abode, and slid along
The road, to the perpetuity of waves
Beauties heaped on beauty, climbing vista
Windows to the skies, that ceaseless
Were a welcome tyranny of blue
That left no room, for thought of confinement
All day long we strode then rested here
With sunburnt thighs, or there strained
With searching eager eyes that hungered
At every corner, for hidden coves
Of rocks and cool azure, where unity
Of children curious, explore
That boundless underworld of dreams-
We paused; removed encasing shoes sore
Feet hot and riddling sand, searching for cool
Then gave them to the ocean
And waded through the pools
Of emerald and starfish
Quartz reflecting every tickling warm
Refraction of the sun, and
All day long we would run
From the island, north to south
Along a neck of tapered verdant green,
Down through forests, cooler eclipsing
Anything I’d ever seen, into the violet
Cloths of evening, and made the southern shore
Where an old and driftwood white, sea washed
Lighthouse, unlit, yet glowed in front of evening
Beyond its lamp lit door, a story breathing
Our final salty day drenched resting place
Perched on the grandest coastal shelf, nothing
South 'til Antarctica, and nothing of the self
Emptied into that swollen evening
Of endless horizon looked upon
Try never to forget what we felt, or left behind
All I have are words and pictures
Facsimiles of the mind, but I know
Those waves, echo ever in eternity.
Comments
I don't care for free verse, so...l
I'm not the best to critique it.
I have no problem with length. I love a poem that fleshes out its subject.
The metaphors you use are excellent, but I have to say I'm not sure its poetry. I fear to my hear it is prose with line breaks.
As I said... free verse is tough for me, but those are my thoughts.
I take your points Wes..
But, I did hope it might be seen as little more than prose with line breaks. There is metre buried in there, and pararhyme - structure of sorts. Perhaps I read it a little differently? I too am not the biggest fan of sloppy free verse, just for the sake of it, dragging out a paragraph of prose, but I think that's not quite what I was going for here. I like (and sometimes attempt to emulate) Norman McCaig, who sometimes follows a similar narrative expressive style, by turns strict and susceptible in rhythm, and mixing fixed measures with free roaming lines. Sometimes I find this less confining when trying to convey a true portrait, particularly in the poetry of place, where trying to confine the words to a particular style and rhyme scheme makes the voice sound forced, restrained and untrue.
I will revisit and revise this though, I do think it's a bit long, like my replies, alas!
Anyway, thanks for taking the time, appreciated as always.
Chris.
Your replies are not long.
Neither is the poem.
Just a thought: Stan talks sometimes about his "poet's voice". That voice that reads the poem the way we hear it and not necessarily how it will be read. It is hard to see your work as others might.
I still don't see the poetry in it, but that is also me partly.
Someone once said (I've forgotten who) that when a poem is being read it is not the poet that is being judged, but the reader.