on the floor
open and raw
never wanted
this pointless war
drinking the blood
of the misunderstood
of the mutilated
and the dead
my nostrils filled
with the victims stench
(pause)
messiah I am
messiah I am
slitting the throat
(pause)
slitting the throat
of the sacrificial lamb
of the sacrificial lamb
Lenny Gazbowski(c) 2015
Last Few Words: been away a while seeking some self discipline, this is now deemed my experimental phase. be as harsh as you desire as it will hopefully ignite my creative fire. if this pleases your eyes and whatever it is which drives the flesh vehicle please do tell, and why it doth please. this is my first poem since my knee surgery on 13th October, 2015.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Hello Lenny
I wonder how do you think the echo of each line is effective.
Just asking.
experimental phase
Rula, just playing with an idea. Changed the opening effort and have happily descended to this current place.
lenny
Hi
THe echo was a bit much at first and the fifth line was shocking in that it broke the numbing thrum of words produced by the repitition. It is a powerful technique to lull one into a trance and jerk them out suddenly like thet, but how does it help further the meaning of the poem? Don't scrap the gem you've found. Maybe just apply it elswhere. I love the enjambment too. I'm a personal fan.
it was
suffocating, so reshaped it and now I am happy. not saying this is where the poem will remain.
lenny
Too bad that...
you didn't give an explanation for echoing lines. I would have said: It was to give an emphasis to the thought expressed. Almost a question and the answer. "on the floor; [yes], on the floor I am!" Also, the statement: "slitting the throat" [pause] [as if picturing the act and considering the statement] then saying it again to confirm the validity. ~ Gee
Gee
I just write and post ! It seems the site is changing, and so my visits will be infrequent.
Lenny
Lenny
A great welcome back, as you can see by the comments the site is going over to teaching and learning with a few of us putting in free poetry sometimes.
In one way I liked this piece, in that I could see the theme as OK, the exhibiting of it could have been better, also there needs to be an intro also a finality to the reasoning.
Great to see you again all the same ,I look forward to your next piece,
Yours as always, Ian..
thanks Ian
I am not able to critique other poets work, when I read a poem I either like it or I don't but I would never leave a negative comment. Maybe if this is the direction of Neopoet it may be best if I leave the site for good. I enjoy writing and sharing my poetry as well as reading the works of other poets, but the critique element is not for me.
lenny
PS my email is Lenny.Gazbowski@gmx.co.uk if you'd like to keep in touch.
Lenny
I agree that there should be no negative feedback, just critique that helps the poet to become better, there are quite a few sites I write in that accept each work as it is, but here we talk of structure, theme's and many other things, as it says a workshop, this is only to help writers expand their poetic expertise.
Please stay you with your knowledge can help many other poets.
Triond, Poetry today and a few other some of them pay for poetry, not many though.
Take care and will talk later,
Yours as always, Ian..
Lenny...
On one hand you say to be as harsh as we like, maybe it will fuel your creativity. On the other hand, you say; that if this is how it is going to be, then you don't think that you want to be part of the site.
I wasn't trying to be negative, or trying to tear your work apart. I simply said: that I would have said, that it was a part of the plan! Too bad, that you are leaving, I hope that you won't. You have a good grasp of what it takes to make a reader interested in what you have to say. I realize that this work is part of an experimental stage and I am interested to see where it takes you. ~ Gee
waiting for paint to dry....
literally I am...
Hi Lenny!
I like this poem...
the structure is balanced
my creative bela lugosi mind is always at work
as Ive said Bible and Fairy tales..horror and news
then books to save whats left of my old soul
my psychiatric stays and voyages on the streets
and living with Steinbeck worlds brought me to
language..words..the river...creeks of expression
that would turn milk sour and a devil put on a halo
because of the biblical reference and my time
spent near catholics and in places of structured
worship...(sat with many over the years..participant
and observer!) I remember the rosary...the little
bead braids on the wrists of my Greek orthodox
chums...all rather connected chaps...
or the macedonian sheperd I knew whom shared
his music on casette
and then madness love pain the questing
"the misunderstood"
they had all the answers...and still do
I had a friend in high school...
very sensitive...he is now a professor
some college south ontario
but he prepped his work carefully
and he was quite insightful
too put it mildly
the language of the internal and external
is like a machine
the brightest people when working
be it on motorbike engines
(my friend and his Ducati he was rebuilding to a T)
my techs at work often speak..spoke aloud
I sing...often and I have a decent voice
nick cave..morrisonesque..pete seeger...
rhyme
and I like the (bracket..."pause")
thank U for the posting of your work
Esker~
Lennie, I read before your afterwords
That poem said to me,simply, "I surrender"
I was sad but really glad to see you back.