Darling,
why are you so beautiful today?
Has the sun's flair
woven with golden strands
a pearl so fair
Your glow has shone the space
the moon has become the face
graciously dimpled with smiles;
a tempting grace
You become the hunter's bait
and my forever's fate
It's not that we haven't been in a long love affair
but Palestine,
you are especially beautiful today.
Last Few Words: Still working with the first stanza
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Salam, Rula
I have no news of Palestine, sis so this piece makes me wonder what has happened there.
Alid
This is a different take from
This is a different take from you Rula...I could neither understand the form nor where the poem was heading...perhaps i am an exception who could not connect with the poem...quite unRula like ..
Regards,
raj
Your comment adds to the confusion. There is no special form.
You might say free verse with rhymes.
I didn't know it is that bad.
Would appreciate pointing out the weaknesses. I mean if you can elaborate, please. I'm having a hard time with writing.
Rula,ok it's a free form but
Rula,ok it's a free form but the problem is that I am myself confused as to why I am finding it unRula like..if I knew i would certainly have pointed it out....so please do not read too muuch into my comment...go by the shout of others..
Regards,
maybe
It's not suitable to put something that is supposed to be sorta of patriotic in a romantic frame?
Could it be?
No, I didn't mean that Rula.
No, I didn't mean that Rula. Honestly, I am still not able to put a finger on something which made me feel this poem to be unRulaish. Again, please don't go by my amateur comment, listen to the shout of others..
Regards,
Salam Khalid
You might call it the longing for Home. However there's much is going on there every day especially in Jerusalem after having Al-Alaqsa mosque been profaned more than once last week.
Rula
The love of ones country is always there deep in the thoughts especially if it is under stress.
One of my old atlases has a page of Palestine so I fully feel for you.
I am not sure what to say about it really like Ireland will the memory go on for 400 years where it makes children throw stones at soldiers.
It is a sad world that we live in young lady if only they would use the internet to teach useful things and TV to stop inciting war in all regions.
I have no problem in loving your people or any people so why are we bombarded with hate each day or the thoughts of revenge, can we not use our brains anymore.
Maybe we need a new religion or something to replace all religions where we are here for the betterment of each other then we could make this lovely planet into a paradise.
Take care young lady, and let your tears be hidden in case they affect the young into anger..
Yours as always Ian.xx
Rula
Echo....as always Ian.xx
Thank you Ian
I appreciate your time and the kind words. Always do.
Hi Rula
I fully understand loving one's country but..........a country with pure gold locks and skin so fair? We just finished a metaphor shop and you can surely find a better way of saying this."those waves of golden grain" and " green rolling hills" comes to mind. I'm sure you can do better...............of course I've never BEEN to Palestine, perhaps it Is wall to wall with people with golden hair and fair skin lol............stan
Hello Stan
and many thanks for your thoughts. I think it was hard for the western reader to capture the twist that I wanted here, or may be I wasn't successful enough in the way I used my metaphor. But Palestine could both refer to the Country and it is also a girl's name, so I wanted to put the reader in the mood that the author is flirting a girl.
BTW, we have blonde girls with blue eyes and fair skin in Palestine. Sometimes you'd think they are some western ones. Might not be from Wall to Wall, but they are there anyway.
Hello Stan
This is what I found about the word strand:A poetic term for a shore (as the area periodically covered and uncovered by the tides)
so do you think that the metaphor works better now?
Rula
While I was in the UAR there was a lady from India or Pakistan, she had the most beautiful blue eyes, yet her skin colour was of that region.
It was a lovely combination and I was told that there is a region in one of those countries where blue eyes are prevalent.
I also see many golden haired children from the Middle East they are so lovely as are all of our children.
As I have said many times we need a new world order that teaches respect and love of all people, then all the terror groups would lose their point of being,
Take care young Lady, Yours Ian..
I think i can now give you
I think i can now give you may be some useful suggestions..
how about beginning it with a clue "Oh my Darling Palestine"?....i will come up with more after absorbing a little more of the essence of your poem ...
Hello raj
as I said above, I wanted to keep the name at the end as a twist.
your thoughts?
when u say'' o ma darlng etc''
means a lover guy is addressing his loved one
so above suggestions may be valid
suggest Rula u may edit
for freedom about love of ur country
write something
peculiarly handsome
why get into a discussion
Loved
I've done some edits. I was trying to explain my point of view. My aim was to clarify my intent, so that it would become easier for others to help me with their suggestions.
I really appreciate your kind visit and the thoughts. Thank you.
word notations....
"especially"
I liked this one much....how it was mysterious
some elements
hunter bait. my forever's fate
its a break from the..all my tomorrow's
its clever
ah love the additional comment to the poem
"baiting the question"
personally I would find the repetition of the
beginning statement
with all the riddle of the middle unhappy
making for me the poem in that manner
this ending elevates the poem
its still the same emphasis but more
personal
like dropping an octave in a voice
literally dropping the mood
of the implied intimacy of the beginning
its a happy feeling..a carefree sense
overall
a commitment feel
ending
a mature poem in this manner
thats my personal feeling for this poem
but I like your style and use of word
and structure of your poetry
thank U
Highly appreciated Steve
"specially" / "especially" I think both work.
I have considered your and others suggestions.
You are really precious all.
Hope this reads better now. I think I am feeling much comfortable with it now.
Still welcome any comments. When it is related to Palestine, I always wanted PERFECT.
A big thank you to all who helped with this.
I enjoyed this Rula, very
I enjoyed this Rula, very Shakesperian and a lot easier to read.
Thank you Buddah
So happy to have a new visitor.
Highly appreciate it.
Rula
I have to say I love this poem .. you may not rhyme ? But theres a different you here on the page .. I see a whimsical side of you here
And I LOVE it !!!!
A favourite of yours now
Love Jayne xxx
P.s. you don't have to rhyme to write meaningful poetry .. and sometimes by rhyming all the time you get stuck in the role of being predominantly a rhymer .. hence why I stopped writing so much rhyme ..
thank you dear Jayne
Whimsical it IS I guess. This is what raj thinks too.
I very much appreciate your visit especially these days. Really it means me a lot my friend.