lovedly
lovedly
Sep 30, 2015

Not tomorrow (The Final print do read as most missed it)

Not tomorrow

Who knows about a tomorrow
I only know of today
come love me now
without any sorrow
why my precious time
do you want to take away

Tonight is all I can promise today
who knows whether the sunrise
will come again our way
so tonight only, I can promise,
the whole night long I will stay
Who knows about tomorrow
we may not live that day

Why doubt my love,
I pray 'twill be another day.
I shall come again tomorrow
but tonight my love,
come let us play
why ask of me tomorrow
it may not come my way

but I promise if it comes
'twill be another today
I will come again
if the morning sun wakes me
in my loving remain

why ask me of a tomorrow
of which I,
well, no one can ever say
come now my loved one
let's enjoy this tonight
our usual way

Why ask me tomorrow
which I cannot promise

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: UNIVERSE...ETERNITY C/O ME, ROU

Favorite Poets: All across the Internet whom I read

More from this author

Comments

ThEdges

I'm very new here, your poem is the first one I'm making a comment on, so I hope this is all fine with you.

First, I'd like to suggest shortening the title to just "Not Tomorrow," and leave the "no" implied. Then, I feel adding "again" to "will come my way" would make it better, and not change it much. "will come again my way." And I like the way you've played with the order of the words....but too much can get a bit distracting...and become a run-on sentence. Maybe change the line: "so tonight only I can promise" to "so tonight only, I can promise," otherwise, I read it as "only I can promise." "why doubt me of my love I pray" is just a bit complicated for me. How about "why doubt me of my love," on the one line, and on the next line, "I pray 'twill be another day." I might also suggest that lines are not repeated in the poem, or maybe just one, once.

I think that 6 is a good number of stanzas, and 7 is too much. (I would combine the 4th and 5th.) And then to go a bit "deeper," I sensed that there was a conflict, in your poem. The poem is about not having tomorrow, and yet you have: "twill be another day," twice, as well as your line "I will come again tomorrow."

I do realize that this is a rough, so I hope that you are okay with my many comments. I think it has very good potential!

ThEdges

ThEdges

Thank you so much...should I call you Jess or weirdelf? And thanks for the compliment. (It's actually part of my name from another site.) Well, my knowledge of poetry is small, and I was careful the whole time, but I was thinking if I had written that, I'd be to involved to see, so I'll go ahead and try to help. I was careful to avoid anything I didn't know about, like meter. Lol--I know what I don't know....

Laura

weirdelf

Well written, I agree with ThEdges crits.
Though the sentiments are fairly used you carry it off.

The line -
alas not in vain
confuses me a little, why alas and what's not in vain?

lovedly

felt like being limbless
no one to pull up the reins
horses love it too
so do
I know this
Jess you too
thanks for the uplift
I shall pay heed
to correct it
please do believe Jess
hope u r now
better than well
OK best

ThEdges

You've done a good job making changes on it....but I would like to suggest a few more. I think it would be good to drop the question marks that are just pondering something, not really asking a question. Also the word "a," because it's not necessary. And take out "do" on the last stanza.

I think that even in this free style, the third one is too big. Maybe take out some. Also, I think you meant "well know, no," but just have "well no," because well no doesn't make sense to me. I hope this is all okay--I am being sincere. ... Best, Laura

ThEdges

I just read it again, Lovedly, and I think it's much better than before! Good work!

S

This poem has excellent bones and the message is pretty direct. But being me I still have a few suggestions lol
1.Stanza 2 line 3 change "my" to our....has a better feel
2.S-3, L-3 A bit Yoda-ish. try deleting "me of"
3.S-5, L-3 Try a change in punctuation : well, no one, can ever say
4. Last line , try deleting "of" and "today"
All these are just ideas from my hollow head and you are welcome to use them or not as you deem best..............stan

lovedly

for those who missed this one
as per jess a GEM

weirdelf

This process of seeing poems develop absolutely thrills me and is part of what keeps me here through all the trials and tribulations.

You know you can be a very fine poet, lovedly, especially if you spent more time polishing than churning.