scribbler
Sep 20, 2015
This poem is part of the workshop:

Hiding emotions in metaphors

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HIGH TIDE (emotion shop with and without metaphors and similes)

The waves are not too large today
as the tide rolls slowly in.
They advance than they go away
then turn and march back in again.

And the breakers barely break
when they do they hardly produce foam.
Perhaps only for sand fleas' sake
which surface then burrow in their home.

The waves feel warm on my bare feet
their salt leaves rime upon my lips
and as each wave slowly retreats
my toes curl as sand shifts and slips.

These waves, they always come and go
and hang around but temporarily
and underneath the sun's warm glow
I realize they're a bit like me.
----------------------------
OK, so much for without. Let's see how it works with...
------------------------------
The waves are not too large today
as the moon's pull slowly rolls in.
The soldiers march in and then march away.
They rebound and come back home again.

And the breakers barely earn their name
barely capped by foam at all.
Do they move only for the sand fleas' game
which hide then surface with wave's stall?

Waves are a hot tub on my feet
and salt air turns my lips to rime
then as another wave beats a retreat
sand shifts from my feet yet one more time.

These waves...they come and then they go
like workmen hired temporarily
and beneath life giver's gentle glow
I realize they're much like me.

OK, OK, it's pretty bad but maybe it will fit shop parameters....stan

About This Poem

Last Few Words: It's tough to describe without using metaphors or similes in a poem. Indeed, I think I slipped up and used one in last line. By Not using either it makes it a lot harder to connect with the reader i think.......stan

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

wesley snow

Your poem "connected". I understood it and was even drawn into the moment. I think that without metaphor the loveliness of the language is hampered (not destroyed... it can be done... you did it).
The beauty of the language is over half of the poem and metaphors benefit all language.

Without metaphor and simile we are back to "telling" and "showing". Your poem told me where we were and what was happening. With the metaphor I know you were dying to use you would show me where and what.

S

being aware of it my stuff has come to depend a lot on simile and metaphors in order to add the "human" touch to my see and say writing. I'm pleased that I managed to reach out sans their use.......stan

alidzain

hmmm.. I must have got it wrong. I thought the assignment is to post a poem without using metaphors only. Similes is okay. By the way, I love this poem. You sure has a way to describe the waves.

Alid

R

raj

9 years 7 months ago

You been spending a lot of time by the sea shore Stan , may be reminiscing about younger days on the beach...lol..

fun apart, your observations are sharp and captured well and succinct w.r.t. the theme Beach Guy..

Regards,

S

Got back from a 3 day vacation by the sea. First time I've been there in over ten years. The ocean has its own type beauty and allure but I still prefer the mountains and foothills.........stan

Rula

Rula

9 years 7 months ago

I know this is tougher for you than the next assignment. Still a vivid description and I'll let that line go :)
but you have a tiny typo that I won't point out. :)
Thank you for sharing.

alidzain

The 2nd one, stanza 1 line 3, you misspelled ''march''.

Alid

Rula

Rula

9 years 7 months ago

it's bad at all Stan. It has a satisfying quantity of metaphor and other figures of speech enough to meet the workshop requirements.
As I have earlier pointed out to Ian that putting each of these in a separate submission would give a better chance for others to read it and to give comments.
Thank you!

S

I had considered doing so but thought it might be best to do it this way so comparing would be easier. No big deal posted separate if you want me to...........stan

Sparrow

It is so hard to write without a metaphor but you nearly did it in the first one.
Stanza one the last line:-
"then turn and march back in again"
This is the only fault I can find Marching waves, left, right, left, right, you will have to use a word other than March lol.
Flow would do.
Take care young woodsman, Yours Ian..

S

I'm not sure you are right about marching. Being a verb it doesn't assign an identification to anything. Guess we'll await the boss's opinion.......stan

Sparrow

Which side is up have forgotten lol March the month I was born many years ago can't recall much let alone Metafours.
Take care Yours Ian..

Rula

but thought "march" works as personification to show the waves moving forward and then withdrawing. "Flow" could then be only a "metathree" lol

Sparrow

You have to stick to the rules.
Metas = one or more
Metatwins is two
Metapair is also two
Metacouple betwixt two and three
Metatrees is Irish
Metatrip is three
Metafour is four
Metaphor is one or four
Metaquad is four
Metaquin is five and so on,
Poetic licence at its best Lol.
Have a great life out there and may your own Spiritual pathway keep you true to yourself,
Yours as always Ian