alidzain
alidzain
Sep 23, 2015
This poem is part of the workshop:

Hiding emotions in metaphors

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Entities of Time (Metaphor WS #3)

In the vast fabric of space
where the stars are diamonds of the universe,
life and death are represented in a greater scale
within the great devourer and a new planet's birth.

One, very dark and foreboding,
so powerful with its mighty pull
that all that comes within its reach
will be reduced to a minuscule.

The other is the beginning
of a new life's chapter,
woven by the hands of fate,
with the will of the Creator

They both reside in the realm
beyond the stretching sky,
the great emptiness which is not empty
that has been revealed to mortals' eyes.

They are entities of time,
the beginning and the end.
Compared to them we are specks of dusts,
powerless creature called Man.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: In truth, I'm not sure which titles works better. This current one or '' The Realm Beyond The Sky''. This is still a draft, in need of improvements. I humbly present it to you and wait for your critiqued and suggestions.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson

More from this author

Comments

Rula

Rula

9 years 7 months ago

I think this is a good capture of the Milky Way? I see you've used a fair amount of metaphor, though I am always hungry for more as for a workshop assignment. :) :)

A typo, They both reside(s) in the realm
I also think you need to pay attention to punctuation and consider either capitals or no capitals at the beginning of the lines.

As for the title, I will leave it to others and your personal choice. I am sure you'll be able to choose a good one.
Thanks for sharing.

alidzain

Sister, to me each of the stanza, except for the last one, is a single verse, broken into lines to emphasize certain words. I'm not sure what you mean about the punctuation and the capitals. Mayhaps you can point them out? Any other areas I can improve on? I'm hungry for knowledge. Guide me, sister.

Alid

wesley snow

Your tenses mix in this line. "Creatures" is plural, "Man" is singular. How about: "a powerless creature called Man."
"powerless creatures called Man.".

You filled it with metaphors. Well done.
The capital thing Rula means is that some poetry begins each verse with a capital (an old fad), some will capitalize only when the punctuation calls for it. You sort of mix it up a bit. Look at it for me.

alidzain

err do you mean to say that even though I am referring to all humans in ''Man'' it is still considered as singular? It is the previous line which made me think it should be plural - ''Compared to them, we are specks of dust''

Alid