What's that, once calm, inside her chest,
now overdoes the hums and bumps?
whene'er Julie would look to John
it throbs, it shivers in no rest.
And what's the reddish, blooming thing
that burns that part you call the cheeks?
As if the plains have rushed in red
when God decides to bring the spring.
Last Few Words: I thought I'd share some love emotions such as heart throbs and blushing. I have edited for more consistent meter. Hope it flows better.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Good one Rula.
Good one Rula.
Thank you dear raj
I don't know if it meets the first assignment requirements though.
We need to hear from Chrys. This wouldn't be an easy workshop.
The second stanza is confusing to me.
The language itself doesn't seem to make sense. It may be me.
in that human called the cheeks (that would mean that person was actually a cheek).
in that human (part) called the cheeks (you may mean this).
Otherwise the first stanza met the criteria Chrys set.
you are
right sir.
I shall edit accordingly now. Thanks for the visit and the comment.
More edits
for a better rhythm. Any better?
You changed a lot...
this works much better. Wish I had the ease with metaphors as you seem to.
Thank you sir
in fact it took me long to write and do the editing. I am not very happy with it but thought it isn't very bad after a writer's block I'm having now for a while.
Appreciate the kind comment.
Somehow...
I've been having a block on all poetry but my big poem which I am screaming on. As you well know.
sir
I thought you could have borrowed from your epic some metaphor. If you take Claire's agony for example and try to tell how she implicitly feel, I thought you'd find it easier as it is close to your heart. What do you think?
Hi Rula
I expect an unemotional alien Would be bewildered by the physical changes which we display due to emotion. Good job I think........stan