To couch it in unmistakable terms -
it's the lair of an untamed beast;
what a leaf does while fermenting
in a decomposing heap;
and the tool of a psychiatrist.
It's an indirect expression;
a bending of the head;
a lurking or a hiding,
with ambush imminent;
'tis when the sword is lowered for attack.
It's the frame the barley
is malted on
when brewing my favourite drink.
'Tis the board on which
the soggy pulp's
turned into paper sheets.
It's the primer made to prepare for painting of
fine art's fantasies,
and it is my seat of leisure,
where I read, write, dream
and think.
.
Comments
Hello Judy
I'm sorry for coming late to your piece. I wasn't sure we are to start the critique right away. Anyway, right to the poem.
I thought the title is very suitable though very typical, but it is a good one to tell the reader what is it all about.
The opening lines, have really some awesome imagery, I found the language usage after that, however profound yet a bit flowery in many lines which makes it a hard bite sometimes. Only me perhaps.
Other than that a very powerful imagery for a subject like a couch.
Well done!!
thanks Rula
As for the title - it is my subject. And as I'm listing all the meanings of the word 'couch', I thought that apt for the title.
I've since decided that I am going to title all three WS poems as 'couch' ( 1, 2 and 3) and form.
I've gone back and added '1 - free verse', to this)
Flowery language? Certainly never meant for that - lol, I hate flowery language. Could you please tell me which parts you thought were?
Love judy
xxx
Hello Judy
As for the title, I of course understand. I also did the same. However, as we have just finished with Stan's title's workshop, I thought I should give mine a more subtle one. Still looking for a one.
As for the language, I am sure it's only me as I see no one mentioned it. I especially was refering to
"It's the frame the barley
is malted on
when brewing my favourite drink."
" 'Tis the board on which
the soggy pulp's
turned into paper sheets"
Still a lovely read.
I wanted more direction
This is well constructed and entertaining to read.
I just wanted it to take me somewhere other than a ode to furniture.
I wanted more purpose behind it.
I realize this may be harsh, but this is the Shark Pool, and I wanted more of you in the poem.
lol
and there I was thinking that I'd been quite clever in listing every meaning of the word 'couch'
- it's not really just an ode to furniture Jonathon
Thanks anyway
Love judy
xxx
to my eye i found many lines
to my eye i found many lines in between the lines in the verses you have brewed of which i like the flavor..
hi Raj
Thank so much for the visit and very kind comment
love judy
xxx
hi judy
a well disguised list poem but a list poem nonetheless. Could use a bit of personalization. e.g.. when talking about "couch" being the piece of furniture why not tell about being weary as well as just how the couch relaxes you. ............stan
hi Stan
Well, I think that I insinuate all you have said I should say, with my last stanza...
but I will think on it....
Thanks for the suggestion
Love judy
xxx
Hi Judy
I like it but maybe you can have a better title that is more err interesting or not so obvious which can bait the curiousity of the readers?hmmmm
Alid
thanks Alid
As for the title, I am listing the meanings of the word, so I still think the title fits.... but the main reason I simply used the subject as the title, is that I intend to use it for all the poems I submit to this shop.... many reasons, but the main one being that these are off the cuff poems, and I want to differentiate them as WS...
Your thoughts appreciated, however.
love judy
xxx
Viva la "flowery" language.
I need a different term, but my intent is to describe a cleverly crafted line with a bit of a twist and turn as would be heard in my music... poetic and audio.
What can I say Judyanne... I may not be your biggest fan, but whoever he/she may be they are not coming to the fan club meetings.
The examples that Rula did not care for are my favorites.
thank you Wes
For the supportive comments,
love judy
xxx