let us raise our glasses
to unspoken feelings
camaraderie, faith and things unsaid
as i fall deeply in love
with loving
having never heard
of a thing so absurd
let us smash our clocks
watches and timepieces
for we will not be ruled
by the movements of a hand
i’ll live by the presence of pure light
dawn to dusk, that’s how it works
and we’ll talk till dawn
without a quarrel
laugh and cry about
where we went
it's beautiful darling
embrace it and be it
let us live
in the spectacular now
and let us escape
into beautiful anarchy
drinking wine in the morning
and whenever we can
i will not deny
this strange taste of freedom
but rather approach it
extending my hand
with the same curiosity
as a child and the stars
embrace me
Comments
Hello
The best advice I've been given about writing is to read one's poetry out loud. I now pass this advice along to you. One thing you might notice will be in stanza 2 line 5 that you might want to change I'll to we'll. Speaking of "I" not capitalizing this little word is a bit disconcerting. i suspect you are doing so as an affectation but it adds nothing in my opinion. Next comes lack of punctuation. In my opinion in a perfectly written poem the word usage and spacing would provide "natural pauses without punctuation. Alas, few poems are that perfect. I applaud your attempting to write so that punctuation is not needed. But when read aloud you will find a few spots that require punctuation to supply the needed pauses. Well, enough for critique lol. I think this poem is really good and has the potential to become even better with a bit more time and thought........stan
Thanks
Appreciate the feedback I was a bit unsure of this poem in comparison to my others even when I was reading it, it sounded a little bit off. I'll give it another look and see if I can fix the errors
I liked the following stanza
I liked the following stanza very much
et us smash our clocks
watches and timepieces
for we will not be ruled
by the movements of a hand
i’ll live by the presence of pure light
dawn to dusk, that’s how it works
The lack of punctuation drove me nuts.
That's the cruelest thing I'll say, but I would you take it with the intensity intended. Stan explained well enough, so I'll not reiterate, but I have another perspective.
Old comics were referred to as Four Color Books because all they could afford in a cheap art form was four lousy colors. You could blend a bit, but you were incredibly limited. Then comics became a more inventive art form and colors multiplied... and comics became... better.
I can never understand why an artist would limit the colors he can use for the sake of minimalism. I use not only punctuation, but a thesaurus, a dictionary, a rhymer and anything else I can get my hands on. I use every tool available to me to create the absolutely best poetry I can produce.
One more-
The poet has an advantage over many other art forms. The poet nearly alone is able to do what a painter is not. Determine how his art is perceived. With line breaks, language and punctuation I can actually cause a reader to perceive my work as I wanted them to... if I write well enough.
I'm done.
I still thought the poem was excellent... with the exceptions stated above.
Thanks
I appreciate criticism no matter how harsh, I believe its from our mistakes that we learn to grow. I will keep your advice in mind for future writing