Rula
Rula
Apr 11, 2015

The Gift

Should I gift you

topaz, cameo
or amethyst

a string of gemstones
seems to be
the right band
for your satisfaction!

I love it on your wrist

I hate though
to see
your beauty
enchained.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

Esker

topaz is composed of many atom chain
a mystical gemstone

I like the ideas and their structure of
how you create a poem..

the ending others may love as I do..
again I offer ideas and move things..
my ponderances.

"I truly see it on your beautiful wrist
though I hate to see it encircled-
enchained...."

even this suggestion is rough
I like the poem very much
and symbolic meaning to charms
and wristlets
wrist bands

Thank You
I ike the confident nature
of how you write..

"your satisfaction"
a great line

Rula

Thank you for the invaluable feedback though I thought your suggestion changed the meaning I intended.
Anyway I always appreciate your visit.

judyanne

Nice free form
but you have used the words 'chain' and 'chained' in a very short write - similar words too close together - I would suggest 'string' instead of chain.

I would also suggest culling the third stanza to read simply
'a string of gemstones
seems right''
(however I would also suggest finding a more descriptive/poetic way of saying it)

a case of less is more - I really like it
love judy
xxx

Rula

Many thanks.
I have edited. Not sure if it reads any better. I looked for alternatives for "chain" and used "band" somewhere. I thought chain and enchained are not that close.
what do you think now?

S

You could leave "chain" as is and change "chained" to bound.Just a thought........stan

Rula

Many thanks. Great to know you like this one.

alidzain

This poem is a question on the gift. Just asking to see if I get this right. Is the ast stanza an acknowledgement that true beauty doesn't need emstones s decorations?

Alid

S

I liked the poem's premise of physical gifts binding us. (might use that premise next time I fogey an anniversary lmao)