All imperfections are camouflaged
with the snow so pure and white
which softened all the hard edged corners
when it fell to earth last night.
And I am but a rough hewed man,
a fact which all around me know
who needs a gentle soul like you
to
.....be
.................My
..........................snow.
Last Few Words: An excursion into brevity
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
hello Stan
I absolutely like the brevity in this, and the morph at the end is cleverly done as it softly comes down almost like the snow flakes.
If I would suggest anything it is to change "blanketed". It doesn't sound poetic to my "poetic ear" :)
may be "spread over " or you might like to consider switching it with cover in the title.
my thoughts. The decision is yours.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi Rula
I had considered a number of words instead of blanketed and am still in search of the perfect one lol. Thanks for your thoughts on this one........stan
How about
mantled?
Not a bad idea
Still going through a couple of thesauruses (shudder, I hate having to resort to them) to see if there's a word which conveys what I want better...........stan
mmmmm
I like this word.
thank
you Rula. now if I just knew Which word lol.......stan
mantled
.
Ok
One must be specific when dealing with senile old dudes lol
i thought
I put my reply directly after Wesley's.
you likely did but it wound up beneath my response to his
comment but it wound up below my response to his comment. Happens to me a lot. I'll post something as a reply to somebody and instead of posting right below what I'm replying to it winds up as many as 4 spaces below........stan
Hi Stan
Beautiful, clever and sooo touching. Rula's suggestion - if you want to change it how about "covered" only a thought! Throw it in the bin if you don't like it. Te he
My thought - I think if you add another word with two syllables somewhere here:
to
....be
.........my
..............snow.
it would flow better, it seems to cut short abruptly. Of course, as Rula says - it's your call and that may have been your objective. :)
Really, really love this one.
Love Mand xxxxx
Hey Mandy
I'm pleased you liked this.I Do want that last line to remain as short as possible. Perhaps i can make a change in rhythm without adding a thing.........Maybe adding emphasis to "my" will do the trick. See if that's a bit better.......stan
:)
Nice! Lovely, a true delight to read.
Love Mand xxx
Hi
Strange how such a minor edit can make so much difference isn't it?........stan
good
writing... good flow
Hello
Thank you. I've been so busy lately I felt if I didn't scribble something out just for fun my head would blow up lol. Thanks for dropping in..........stan
Hi Stan,
A gorgeous little write, my friend. You say so very much with just a few words, and bring so much more meaning from those few simple lines.
Like the falling at the end!
Most very excellent.
Bookmarked.
Hi Jim
It had been so long since I'd written anything short in length that I figured I better do one and see if I still remembered how lol. I'm pleased you like it and had wondered if the way I posted the last line would be a distraction of a help. Thanks for dropping by.......stan
Hi Stan
Innovative and creative write and form ...
Regards,
Hi raj
Thank you. As to the form I wanted to be sure the last line was read slowly. It could have been done by punctuation but I figured this would also work...........stan