a mosquito visited my bed last night
it sucked my thoughts
now it must be dead
Mar 02, 2015
The Mosquito - a bit of fun
About This Poem
Last Few Words:
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Poor Mosquito
Didn't know how to keep out of harm's way ..lol...
you are certainly revolutionizing poetry Rula. ...I liked this short mosquito sting...i believe there is room for tweaking...will watch out how you do it,....you might want to look at "Mosquitos" in the title
Regards,
Hello raj
In fact I have a second version of that little piece. I am not sure, but I thought if I put the two versions, that would spoil the thought provoking aspect in the piece that I was seeking.
I wonder what has the first read implied/ evoked...if any raj?
Hi Rula
On viewing both versions, I wish to share as follows:-
1. version 2 is easier to perceive because you have added "poisoned"
2. I know not why you preferred not to write it as "it sucked my poisoned thoughts"
3. Perception wise I am still unable to figure out what the Protagonist is trying to convey through this poem, unless a mosquito is to be interpreted as an intruder. Is the use of the word "bed" supposed to imply a restful/ peaceful place? If so I wonder why in such a situation the thoughts would be poisoned?
4, You need to look at the title too. It should either be Mosquito Sucks or Mosquitoes Suck
I am not sure if my commentary above served any useful insights
Regards,
Thank you raj
very helpful indeed.
Your questions are logical, but I wanted to give make it a bit of fun and a thought provoking little piece.
so if I say poisoned thoughts, there will be nothing to think of.
As I said it is all for fun and inspired after watching that video in the youtube.
And that's why I prefered not to add the second version that tells everything clearly. Then there will be no creativity at all.
Thoughts are metaphorically
poisoned, doesn't this sometimes happen even if we are at rest.
and thanks for the heads-up. I don't know what I was thinking then... poisoned thoughts ha!
Rula
Good to see the change in title, before Wesley came with a flogging stick..or Stan with the Ostrich Feather ..so thank me for that :)
if use of Bed is not necessary, i suggest you eliminate it because generally Mosquitoes throng at night...so go with the implied surrounding...besides it is not necessary that a mosquito visits you in bed...further more if your better half is likely to read this use of the words visit & bed could get you in trouble...lol..no husband would remotely like to be referred as a mosquito..:)
humor apart...to create make it more funny perhaps you will need to add some funnier elements and twists is what i would like to suggest..
just some thoughts...it's your poem, your mosquito...your thoughts..so play along with that mosquito...
Regards,.
If poison thought could kill I'd have died long ago lol
Summer's bane stopped by last night
and on my head he did alight
hoping all my thoughts to drain
alas he couldn't find my brain ..............I like yours better
hahaha
that is absoloutely funny!!
I think it's better not to find a brain at all than finding some poisoned thoughts, isn't it?
Thanks for giving me today's smile Stan.
The best news raj
is that my better half doesn't read ANY of my poetry. LOL
as I said, blame that video.
I prefer to keep that thought, I think it can't be even called a poem as is. Maybe I should have put it as a blog as my other silly thoughts that visit me every now and then.
You now pay
the bill for having become recognized as an expert or leader. Everything you post will be looked at as the result of your expertise and when you post something just for fun a lot of folks will think it's some rare type of poem and want to know what kind lol. ................stan
Unfortunately
you are right Stan. :(
I think I should stop posting anything other than sonnets from now on :)
LOL
Post all those cussed things you like just don't ask Me to write one lol.
Rula
From the symptoms you have described, I presume you are being smitten by a "silly" mosquito...lol...
A suggestion
Make a quatern out of that mosquito and submit it in contest...
No way Raj
.
oh no Rula
you so spoilt it
I read the first version this morning, had to go to work, so thought I'd come later, and here I am
and you have spoiled it with the second version
the first left so many possibilities ...
your thoughts were so veminous that you poisened it
that you are an empty head (brainless) and it starved to death
you were suicidal at the time
more....
so many fun interpretations, and you spoilt it
love judy
xxxx
I know dear
I know :(
Rula
No need to make that glum face. Just edit and delete the Version 2 so that as Judyanne says you will go back to whatever she interpreted it as and in so many fun versions of her interpretations :)
[grinning],
Thank you
Raj for the advice. Really appreciate it.
I'm beginning to worry about you.
.
Me too
sir!