Living truth (parsed, revised and recorded) (Sonnet workshop)

"awaiting results, believe on not, breathlessly"
Am I right to say "on" here is supposed to be "or"?
"see" and "live" doesn't rhyme, that is if I follow Rula's lesson on the rhyming pattern.
You're short of 4 more lines for the sonnet.

Alid

You've missed a full stanza jess.The one which decides your volta.
Seems you're really thrilled.(smiles)

Lunch time:) I'll come in an hour or so to see what you've added!!

I LIVE| and DIE| by MY| inTE|griTY|
and AS| much BY| STIRRing |shit for |fun
aWAITING|ing re|SULTS, be|lieve or| NOT, breath| LESSly
and THEN | my WORK| is VE| ry NEAR| ly DONE

As you can see there are meterical problems in line two and three.

The A|rroGANCE| is CLEAR to ALL| who SEE
To MAKE |a CHANGE| in O |ther's is| WORK be|COMing ( A FOOT IS MORE)
of a |HEARTless |SOD who |CARES too |MUCH to |BE (HALF A FOOT IS MORE)
yet WHO |could BLAME | the CARE| that's MORE| than LI|ving? (HALF A FOOT IS MORE)

ONE LINE IS MISSED

I BLAME |and SHAME |and CRI |tiCIZE| to YOU
would YOU|do LESS|if YOU |CARE for |PROso|DY? (HALF A FOOT MORE)
the[re] IS |no STRONG| er ART| in ALL| the WORLD |that's TRUE (A FOOT IS MORE)

And YET| LIVing| is ALL |that I |can a CHIEVE
To THIS | beLIEF| is ALL | that TRUTH |can LEAVE

I agree this is a very honest sonnet and very much like you jess. I think you need to give more thought to your volta. I like your theme and will be watching the progress on the metrical problems first.
Let's do it one stanza by one. I will be out with the kids for few hours.
Tonight will come back.

constructive criticism to offer, only a comment. I am pleased to see that even a master of the art, can be stumped by this form! This thing is giving me fits! ~ Gee

it is where you should start the volta. It should be on the nineth verse.
Coming too late (in the couplet) doesn't give it the turn you wish. (IMO)

PS.Are you still working on the lines with meter problems that I have parsed for you in each stanza?

.

beyond merely Spenserian. Artists have used and abused the form for centuries. What we're attempting to produce are "original" sonnet forms. In other words, the form's beginning.

As for stanza breaks... they may clarify things a little, but traditionally Jess is correct. The first twelve lines are a wall of words with only the envoy separate.

An excellent format for a sonnet if you can get the meter under control, but you at the least are doing what I wish everyone would do. Pony up with the rough draft and start a conversation.
That's what the Shark Pool should be all about.

This shop has made it abundantly clear that I suck at parsing. At least we can both write badly in this cussed form lol. But I Can still count syllables and, thus, feet fairly well so I can comment on that. Here goes :
S-1, l-2 short one syllable
S-2, l-4 one too many syllables
S-3, lines 3 and 4 ditto.

Each time I read a good sonnet which Doesn't sound forced or convoluted I can only envy those who seem able to write sonnets so easily

i LIVE | and DIE | by my | in -TEG | -rit –Y
(third foot pyrrhic)

and as | MUCH by | STIRR -ing | SHIT for | FUN
( first foot pyrrhic, the rest trochee , half a foot missing)

a -WAIT | -ing re | -SULTS be | -LIEVE or | not, BREATH | less -LY
(six feet, very out – only one and six iamb)

and THEN | my WORK | is VER | -y NEAR | -ly DONE
(perfect iambic)

The ARR | -o -GANCE | is CLEAR | to ALL | who SEE
(perfect iambic)

To MAKE | a CHANGE | in OTH | -er's is | WORK be | -COM -ing
(six feet - fourth pyrrhic, fifth and sixth trochee)

of a | HEART -less | SOD who | CARES too | MUCH to | BE
(extra half foot – no iambs)

yet WHO | could BLAME | the CARE | that's MORE | than LIV | -ing?
(perfect iambic, but with an extra unstressed syllable at the end - a feminine line – not allowed in this workshop)

i BLAME | and SHAME | and CRIT – | i -CIZE | to YOU
(perfect iambic)

WOULD you | DO LESS | if you | CARED for | PROS – o | -DY?
(five and a half feet and trochee and pyrric))

there is | no STRONG | -er ART | in ALL | the WORLD | that's TRUE
(6 feet – just drop the first – then perfect iambic)

LESS than | TRUTH is | LESS by | FAR than | PAR -od | -Y
(five and a half feet – trochee)

and yet | LIVing is | ALL that | i can | CRAVE
missing half a foot – again pyrrhic and trochee)

FAR MORE | than SHAD | -ows on | POOR PLAT | -os CAVE.
(mixed)

----------------------------

i love the theme ...
hope this helps
love judy
xxx

says it all, but I also know this is a rough draft. Just the sort of thing I want to see.

'''I live and die by my integrity'''

I spoke with Shakespeare in my dream
at me he did scream
'man go read me
all the titles are
all my first lines
if you have any doubt
go and ask my rep ....Jess...
now who ever you are
Loved or not get out
here comes Jess
you say now you are Lovedly
wait till you hear him curiously

'''I live and die by my integrity'''
Title may so it be

A good time to critique this work but there is nothing to say about the form or content just the theme.
It ends up talking about Plato's cave, now was this reference a reflection not on the wall of the cave but on the wall of life??
Where, what we have encountered in our lives, is the truth, and is real, or has this life been a picture thrown by self indulgence against the wall of reality regardless of what truth is..
Hey that's good for this time of night Eh!
Such a double edged sword I would have loved to talk to Plato, among others but that's life again, one day I shall walk with him along a beach as I will with you, and we shall talk of reality again,
Yours, as always, Ian

Just those three lines of that last stanza
what do you think of?

i BLAME | and SHAME | and CRIT | -ic -ise | YOU...
- half an iamb out
i BLAME | and SHAME | and CENS | -ure ALL | of YOU

would YOU | do LESS | if you | CARED for | PROS - i -DY
would YOU | do LESS ? | i CARE | for PROS- | i - DY

LESS than | TRUTH is | LESS by | FAR than | PAR - o -DY
to LESS | -en TRUTH | would BE | a SIMP | -le PAR| -o -DY

goodonnyuhmate for coming back to this... did you enjoy it after all?

love judy
xxx

I wanted classically done sonnets from a modern perspective. Relevant.
Thank you. As Mr. Authority Figure I forgive the few instances of license for effect.
The punishment would have been a shark nibble, but...

jess. I am happy you decided to join, and though you did only one sonnet while most of the other sharks did two, I am still satisfied in a way.
Everyone's participation counts.
Thank you

Sorry, if I looked less flattered than I should. I feel a bit down today. You did really well...Nothing wrong in expecting two sonnets from sharks, aren't you a big shark? :)
Sorry again.

A question Jess, I noticed that you put the "too" in

" a heartless sod who cares too much to be"

as unstressed. Shoudn't it be a stressed word?

Alid

Glad to see you have joined the workshop. I am late to your post, but have learned much following the thread.

Thank you,