Your volcanic breath scorches me,
Blows away my peace with its strength,
Your look, a river of fire,
Burning away my resolve…
And I am the white crow
Tethered to your monolith,
Spiraling high in isolation
On angry, fiery winds.
Your patience rumbles,
ruptures,
erupting in flame,
maiming me;
Wings scorched, turning black
Covered with the soot
Of misunderstanding.
The unsteady ground trembles,
This pillar falls and crumbles,
Dragging me down
Into my chosen hell.
Now, I am just
an offering
of ashes,
My voice echoing one question…
Did you intend to raze me?
Comments
Wow! 2 years between poems!
And it was worth the wait. Strong imagery, great language use, powerful emotion.
I am, for once, unsure about my criticism of this. My normal bedrock of arrogance has developed some fractures. It concerns the variety of imagery. Not mixed metaphors but we have an opening set in bed, followed by volcanic breathe, fire and ashes, then an architectural/structural theme and finally anthropomorphism of a bird. Is it all a bit too much? To me it is. I would really like to hear other's feelings about it.
As you can hear, it reads well, good cadence and flow, effective freeform.
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/detached-union-submitted-by
Yeah,
That's the problem I've been having with it. I feel like it's all over the place to some degree. This poem has driven me nuts. It's already had a major face lift, but it hasn't reached the point where I feel ok with it. I actually had pulled off all of my poems from the site because I'm starting to work on my 2nd manuscript. This one is visiting again because I'm needing some help.
No,
No i don't think it's to much, surely these are used as descriptve visualizations. And so help the reader better understand the poets feelings as they wrote the poem. We all take from a poem what we choose, but surely the poets guides us there to a certain extent. As did this poem which i thoroughly enjoyed. Love Roscoe...
And the flip side of the coin...
While I have struggled with the fact that I have, as Jess said, included a large variety of imagery in this poem - I haven't been able to find a way to get it to feel as cohesive as I want it to. Each stanza conveys each feeling of the conflict - I guess that's just how complex the situation itself was. Thanks for reading and leaving the review, Roscoe!
Blue
You probably think that this write is like a helter skelter but it worked and lovely to see you back,
And the reference to Sparrow was beyond your shores lol.
Great write hope to see more soon, Yours as always Ian (Yenti) xx
i think
Perhaps a lot of the problem jess speaks of could be solved by putting the second stanza into the past tense...
A very powerful write - full of emotional descriptive. I enjoyed this
I especially like the final stanza
Love judy
xxx
now what i think is
your imagery may be less helter skelter-y if instead of a sparrow you used a pheonix for the last bit. you know, stick with the theme of fire. then you open up the door for describing how your pain flourishes again, but i may be getting ahead of myself.
the only reason i'm even giving any crit is because you begged :P this one speaks to me on another level. in other words, i feel you bro.
Mag
Mag
Nothing wrong with Sparrows they can rise from the ashes, like any other ass burnt bird, you can't get rid of me that easy,
Yours J Sparrow.
Emo,
A Phoenix carries too much positive symbolism. It usually represents rebirth. The sparrow on the other hand has multiple meanings - one being love, the other death. The Egyptians used the sparrow to mean small, narrow, or bad. In my use of it, it is symbolising the love aspect, along with the negative aspects of a stunted relationship as well. Plus, it is a small bird and fits the idea of a whisper better. A Phoenix would be a shout. :-) Hmm, maybe I'll use a harpy instead! hahaha lol
Thanks for the feedback - you've got the gears turning and that's what I was needing.
one more thing
i hope you don't mind, but you've inspired me to write. check it out if you want, just thought i should let you know.
Mag
I love you and the person this is the subject of
Women fall out of love more easily than men.
Please don't let it happen, you are both wonderful people.
*grins*
Where's your scientific evidence to back up that statement on women falling out of love more easily than men? ;-)
Emogothgirl, had given me the idea to switch birds, which pulled everything together very nicely.
The myth of how the crow became black worked out really well with this one, and the fact that the crow is a symbol of fidelity should ease your concerns a bit.
The whole point of the poem is, I'm not the same person that I was before the relationship. (That and the original was written almost 7 years ago.)
No citations or references,
this is pure wisdom of the weirdelf, which counts for a lot more.. Woman fall out of love more easily than men. Give the poor sucker another chance. I really like him and I know he loves you. Again, no citations or references, pure wisdom of the weirdelf.
hahaha lol
First off, he's the one pissed at me. And what's your definition of love because I'm sure he's violated it several times. I've stayed with him through more bad instances than good sense would dictate. I'm not going anywhere. The kids need their father, and at this point, our relationship is an investment. It would be stupid to start this endeavor and not finish it. Plus, it's like an article that I recently read, people with small children should never divorce. The stress of that time period makes people crazy and once it passes, life will be better.
forgive my presumptions
weirdelf wisdom is far from infallible. I wish you both the best.