Rula

Jan 25, 2015

This poem is part of the workshop:

"Sonnets"...Let's Know More

(Read More...)

When May Passed By (A Petrarchan Sonnet with spoken word )

https://soundcloud.com/rula68/when-may-passed-by-1

Is spring in yet, or could the buds she eyed
have blushed the plains – that's where she often lies.
Is spring in yet, or could the scent in guise
perfumed ahead, before she'd deep, down stride.

Is spring in yet, why then do lilies hide?
They, shy, subside, but then they'd early rise;
she wakes, then they would show- those haunting eyes.
Is spring in yet, I see it broad and wide.

Nay! 'tis not May, yet there across the bay
with hey she passed one morn and left me mute
to hoot, I held an arm and waved a bye,
"goodbye" I said and there I sent her way
a little kiss_ a slender, real beaut.
That's when my lovely "May" that day drew nigh.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Hi Rula

Phewww! Splendid..

Regards,

Thank you raj

I am happy you like it.
Have you noticed the rhyme scheme and the meter.
Can you comment on any of these or both.
It would make my heart good if you do.

Rula

It certainly gave me some clues about the meter and the rhyme and held me in awe at the imagery of spring created. The "turn around" you had mentioned to be at Line 9 is also cleverly made.

Regards,

Thank you raj again

and sorry. I forgot that you are not listed.
I shall be waiting for your submission though.
Your comments as always appreciated.

nice rula

'She wakes, then they would show those haunting eyes'
and
'all when that lovely day in May drew nigh'
seems off meter to my ear....
'Then they', 'all when'

Also
'Way' and 'away'
and mute' and 'Beirut'
are not 'proper' rhyme because of the different syllable count..

and 'perfumed ahead, before she'd deep down stride' just seems forced to me - not really clarifying what you mean (just my opinion as you know)

Typo - 'ts .. should be 'tis

A lovely concept -
i love the opening two verses
love judy
xxx

Judyanne is close,

but I have a slightly different perspective.
The first line works for me, though the second has serious meter problems.
Also,
"a little kiss_ a slender real beaut." This also needs attention metrically.
As for the rhyme. A "perfect authentic" rhyme (I didn't make that up... you can't) is two like vowel sounds preceded by two unlike consonant sounds. "Way" and "away" does not qualify as each vowel sound is preceded by "w".

Still and all I believe it to be the best work Rula has done and I have read all of Rula.

Thank you sir!

For the encouragement!
Your visit is the best compliment I can ever think of
I am blushing! :)

Thank you judy

for pointing out the proper rhymes especially. Really not sure how did I miss them.
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback.
Always appreciated.

great edits with the rhyme Rula

but, as Wes says, you have messed up the meter when you edited, in that little kiss verse...

I forgot to say, I really love the word usage in 'is spring in yet'...'
love judy
xxx

this is how I scan it

a LITT/le KISS/_ a SLEN/der REA/ l BEAUT

"Real"...can be scanned both as one syllable or two according my dictionary.

interesting

'Real' -- I just checked the dictionary, and apparently it can be said with either one or two syllables
So, it's fine then...

but keeping that in mind - it affects the rhythm for those who say it as one ... you might want to think of an alternative for that reason .... your call
love judy
xxx

I shall keep it in mind

Though it is hard to satisfy everyone. As long as I am satisfying my dictionary, I think I am on the safe side. :)
Thanks for the advice though dear

I found...

that I was a little confused by the ending. Was May really here? Or did she pass on and come back? ~ Gee

Gee

I think you've missed the twist of using the word May to refer to spring and "May" as a name of the speaker's beloved. The speaker imagined that Spring has already come as May, (his beloved) passed by. Does that make any sense?

Dearest Rula

I found the first two stanzas to be outstanding. Apparently I have arrived post edit, still the third stanza feels a little forced to me with too many pauses in the meter, too much punctuation, for my liking anyway.

Still, well done. An enjoyable piece

Thanks

Dear Scott

You are never late. I shall see where I've over used the punctuation and try to eliminate, though I thought I've used them carefully to well gear my reader.
Very much appreciate your honest feedback.

smoother?

Rula

I guess it wasn't the punctuation because it still feels choppy. Perhaps it is me and how I hear it. Can you record it?

Thanks,

the trouble, alvin and rula,

is that the scansion is out - 'that's when my' are all unstressed...
love judy
xxx

Judy

Please call me Scott. The rest is just pseudonym.

Thanks,

but as far as I know dear judy

"in any series of three unstressed syllables in a line of verse, one of them, generally the middle syllable, will take a secondary stress through promotion, and the promoted syllable will stand in place of a stressed syllable"

He even stated this as an example

"Harry and the dog were hot." The second syllable of “Harry” is unstressed, and so are the coordinating conjunction “and” and the article “the,” but “and” is promoted to secondary stress, and in this situation it takes the place of, and counts as, a stressed syllable."

This is a quote I used to save after having a chance to work with a friend on a collaborative sonnet about half a year ago.

not sure rula

... as for 'and' - it is definitely unstressed after a homorganic consonant (eg t, p, b - any that, in order to say, we have to make our lips meet or have the tongue touch the roof of the mouth) but, for example it would be stressed after the vowel in 'he accepted the job, no ands or buts about it
'your example 'Harry and the dog'.... Harry finishes with a 'y' which then gives stress to 'and'
...
but 'that's when my' ... different. i am tending to read all three here as unstressed.
three unstressed words together do not naturally make the middle word stressed

love judy
xxx

You might be right dear

though this is quoted from a published article without making any exceptions for what type of unstressed syllables they are.
I wonder!!

not sure if this helps

yet I have added my spoken word under your request dear scott.

well

This displays the problem I have with sonnets although not as much as my attempts do. The next to last line is obvious in that a single syllable word has been inserted which would likely not have been used in normal speech..."real". But the display of proper structure will be useful in my battle trying to produce something which won't make ya'll run away in despair. Speaking of which I'm off to the battlefield lol......stan

Stan,

Sometimes, learning languages as a second language (my case) is an advantage.
That's where I think of the dictionary an inevitable tool, while a native speaker, most often wouldn't think of it as of that great help.(IMO)

As to "Real".

How do you say it in normal speech. Not poetry, just speaking it.
Grammar is as the poet uses it.
However, we must also consider the dialect a character in our piece is using.

Hi Rula

You've done a great job here Rula! and through your example and others I am learning a lot - of course it's one thing reading and another putting it into practise. :) You are amazing because your first language isn't English and yet you manage to write poems that the majority of English speakers could never master and you don't give up! :)

Well done :)

Love Mand xxxx

Mandy

your encouraging words mean a lot.
I still have a lot to learn though. I think this workshop is offering the apportunity to do so.
Thank you dear for your kind visit.

this is absolutely lovely,

please PLEASE let me post it on the blog.

mag

Sure mag!!!

absolutely... My pleasure.

Mag

can you please link me as to where you've posted. I've visited the neopoet facebook page but could never find where those teasers are.
If you link me to it, you'll make my life a bit easier :)

rula

i am posting your teaser now, so here is the link to the blog

http://neopoetofficial.tumblr.com/

it is unfortunately a slow process, blogging and such, due to my unfortunate business - but we are getting along nicely :) thank you.

mag