It's mid-day and finds me out
easing down a dim game trail
wind's whisper has begun to shout
I wish I was still young and hale
Loud squeaks from tree limbs rubbing
in pines and oaks grown close together
they sway giving themselves a drubbing
in this blustery winter weather
The world in gray and brown and dun
except for the somber evergreens
trees dissect a faded sun
as a nearby nuthatch preens
My hike is filled with many pauses
I'm forced to give old legs rest
never mind the myriad causes
at least they still can pass this test
I follow down a twisting branch
as it dodges rocks and curves
dipping my finger I take a chance
water's so cold it shocks the nerves
Coursing to a small flood plain
as it chimes from pool to pool
amid great oaks and emerald cane
and cedar trees fit for the yule
Then it mates with a small river
in forested bottom flat and wide
January's shadows make me shiver
a doe minces along the far side
With reluctant sigh I turn around
this trek has now a limp imparted
I return by way of higher ground
nearly a mile from where I started
Back at the truck after a while
cotton clouds race in the sky
despite the pain I sit and smile
I hope to come back bye and bye
Comments
tributary
I appreciate your suggestion. Being a beginner with no formal training in poetry don't expect instant improvement but be assured I seldom consider any poem truly finished. It would help if you were to point out areas where meter stumbles if you have the time.............scribbler
tributary
thank you for the explanation. I would never have thought of keeping syllable count uniform , but see where it will help.Watch for edit in next day or two and let me know what you think.................stan
tributary
It does sound better when read aloud, thanks................scribbler
hello Ian
I am always glad to bring friends along on my sojourns and also to point out areas in need of improvement whether they're trained in poetry or not lol. Glad you enjoyed this...........scribbler
shirl the pearl
Massage does little good for knee deterioration resulting from old injury, but thanks for the suggestion and kind comment..............stan
mid-day finds me out
mid-day finds me out
easing down a dim game trail
wind's whisper has begun to shout
I wish I were still young and hale
Loud squeaks from tree limbs rubbing
pines and oaks have grown close together
swaying, give themselves a drubbing
how typical this winter weather
The world in gray and brown and dun
except for somber evergreens
trees divide a low and faded swatch
a nearby nut hatch preen
My hike is filled with many pauses
forced to give old legs a rest
never mind the myriad its causes
at least my legs pass their test
From this point, it's perfect, to my hearing, Scribbler...
I follow down a twisting branch
as it dodges rocks and curves
dipping my finger I take a chance
water so cold it shocks the nerves
The course leads to a small flood plain
as it chimes from pool to pool
amid great oaks and emerald cane
and cedar trees fit for the yule
Then it mates with a small river
in forested bottom flat and wide
January's shadows make me shiver
a doe minces along the far side
With reluctant sigh I turn around
as this trek a limp has now imparted
I return by way of higher ground
almost a mile from where I started
Back at the truck after a while
cotton balls racing in the sky
despite the pain I sit and smile
I hope to come back bye and bye
But then again I know jackshit about rhyming poetry except for how it sounds to my ears.
~A
hey anna
I think the way a poem sounds when read aloud is what matters most. I appreciate your taking the time to write out your suggestions and will consider them in my edit. Poor ol' Jack Shit , nobody admits to knowing him lol...Hmmmm.........a possible base for a poem?.................scribbler