scribbler
Jan 09, 2015

DAWN OF THE NEW YEAR

I sit and shiver in the dark
awaiting this year's first new day
bathed in starlight cold and stark
as the old year quietly slips away
...My thoughts wander as I wait

The silence gives me room to brood
about the last year's fails and foibles
and the wrinkles I've accrued
from one more year's toils and troubles
...My breath fogs as I contemplate

A coyote mourns on a far ridge
as sickle moon sets in the west
in a sky as chill as in a fridge
in a world in which I'm a mere guest
...Perhaps the brush wolf calls his mate.

In the east the darkness fades.
The sky turns slowly black to gray.
Details appear in nearby glades;
the last of last year fades away.
...like all the others, lost to fate.

Time falls through another cataract
toward lands where aging memories dwell.
Yesterday can never be brought back
any more than the tide's swell
...it wears men like a kitchen grate.

I look down on my worn coat's sleeve
and see a spot from a sun spear
joining others weaving through limbs' sieve.
As the sun rises, shadows appear
...and day's hours accumulate

Which turns my thoughts to days to come
away from the past now set in stone,
one more number added to the sum.
Thoughts best considered when alone.
...now making my brood hesitate.

Sunlight soon floods this lonely hill
bridging the night and day's dim schism
and as a new day often will
it shifts my mood to optimism
...and I 'm prepared to meet my coming fate.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 3 months ago

This one to me is great, and one of the best poem I have read for a while, but don't tell the others.
The flow and the theme were spot on, maybe someone out there will suggest a word or so but I wouldn't change a thing..
Yours as always Ian

S

Thank you. You read a lot so such praise from you means a lot. I appreciate your having taken time to drop by for a read......stan

vandiemenspeak

Hi Stan,

Enjoyed this, it made me think of Lawrence - and the image of the new dawn fading into another year, it's legacy and promise was quite touching. Sounds like you were in a very special spot. Will look forward (and back) to more of your work.

Cheers.

Chris.

alidzain

This to me is one of yur best poems, sir.Bravo!

Alid

S

Good to see you're back and feeling better. And I appreciate your supportive comment.....stan

alidzain

Not totally back. Still struggling with the pain now and then. Gimme a few more weeks before I'll truly be back.

Alid

S

I am only aware that you had health issues but have no idea what they are. But as long as you are improving I guess it doesn't matter.....stan

S

This new program puts a list of names in a bar every time I say Hi in the subject space then randomly picks a name if I don't type a specific name out lol. Edit time

judyanne

It could be awesome if only the........ well you know - lol

But, if you want it to be merely lovely then that's fine, because it is so .... oh i can't describe the emotion reading it....

If, by some answer to my prayers and constant nagging, you might want to make it awesome ... well you know what you have to do .... lol

You know - it's minor things.... careful reading of each line, separately, as if you are reading it for the first time, and listening to which parts of t he words skip that tad out of rhythm from the one before, and which ones start rambling too long ... if the idea is to give the feeling of meandering, it didn't work for me - it made me almost lose interest - you know, lol, the old codger at the bar who starts off a story that sounds interesting, then he takes so long to say it

And start at stanza 5 ....after listening to your rhythm in the first 4....
the only suggestion i have there is to change stanza 3, verse 1 from
'a coyote mourns on a far ridge' to 'coyote mourns on far off ridge'

come on ... It's only four stanxas :)

i really like this stan, and your meter has come on enormously since i last read you.... congratulations xxx
Love the concept of the second poem integrated into the main write

Lovely :(
Love judy
(AKA MM)
xxx

S

"If I want to make it awesome I know what to do..." Well, I'm not willing to undergo a brain transplant lol.I'm still playing around with this rhyme pattern/style and I'm not yet decided if breaking rhythm in the last line of each stanza add to it or detracts. I Try to craft this so that one could just read those last lines and still come up with a poem. Hmmm.....I guess I should at least make sure the last lines match the rhythm of the other last lines at least so that the rhythm breaks will be uniform. (I guess my problem with meter is that the U.S. never changed to metric lmao).
Since you singled out stanza 5 I guess it must be the worst so I've done a bit of edit there and another place. But I'll likely add to edits over time as I usually do. BTW the "coyote" problem might be due to it have 2 accepted pronunciations. One has 2 syllables and the other has 3.

Never fear I Am trying to get better in my meter.....Appreciate your honesty as always......stan PS I'm not Like an old codger, I Am an old codger.

mand

This is one of your best! I love the poem within a poem, it's great that you are experimenting, thinking outside the box and pushing the boundaries! 10 out of 10

Love Mand xxxxx

S

Well.... maybe 9 out of 10 lol. But I'll keep working on it trying to live up to your praise.....stan

judyanne

It's the meter
doesn't matter if either
a COY |- ote Mourns | on a FAR | RIDGE
a coy O | te MOURNS | on a FAR | RIDGE
- you are missing half a foot, as opposed to
a COY | ote MOURNS | on FAR | off RIDGE
a coy O | -te MORNS | on FAR | off RIDGE

do you not see or hear what i mean?

I said to start at stanza 5 as the first 4 stanzas were great, except for the above line...

I'm liking your edits so far
love judy
xxx

S

I see what you mean but adding the "off" sounds a bit contrived if one also deletes the "a". I might just rework that entire line which might also entail revising the fridge line which I'm not really satisfied with anyway........stan

S

The problem i have with meter is the tendency to unconsciously place stresses where they don't belong. A real pain in the butt to overcome because I even tend to do it when reading out loud. I think I'm gonna let this set a few days at least so I can "rediscover" it with fresh ears. I've been bad at meter for so long I fear if i start being perfect at it the shock might be more than you can stand lol......stan