I Am Pausing My Cultural Exam To Tell You

the snow is falling softly behind the tree in the window
and you could easily guess what I think about now
it's always the same.
yes, she would like this. curled up on the couch with me.
I keep saying that I want to know
I want to know when I won't think these things anymore.
but I will leave it at that for today.
for today, I want you to know
that I know I was stupid.
I want you to know that I will stop listening to little birds
and my angry heart.
I think you know that for me, at least
being angry is so much easier than feeling pain
and that is no excuse.
I want you to know that I don't hate you
I hate this earth
and the way I am living
and this town
for bumping us together until they saw sparks
we could not imagine that it would burn.
I still want your skin and your heart
and everything inbetween
but all of the above intact
because where you find it useless, I guess I still know better.
if anything could change the world, it's still your smile.
and I don't want you to know,
but I should tell you, I still worry. because you matter.
because a heart like yours should receive all the happiness in the world
and I'm sad that it's no longer my place to give it
and I'm sad that I had taken it away.
and yeah, I resemble a shell
most days
but that's not your fault.
if there is only one thing you would understand
if there is one thing you would take
I want you to know that i'm sorry.