mand
mand
Dec 04, 2014

Crazy Missing You

I've lost all reason
Since you've been gone
don't know if I can carry on.

This empty feeling
pervading me
is sapping all my energy.

Within this haunting
I'm in a flap
sorely troubled in doldrums trap.

So when the night folds
and twilight burns
I fidget sheets of toss and turns.

I'm going crazy
just missing you
I wonder, Do you miss me too?

-----------

I've lost all reason
Since you've been gone
don't know if I can carry on.

This empty feeling
flows through my veins
intertwined with countless pains.

Within this haunting
I'm in a flap
sorely troubled in doldrums trap.

So when the night folds
and twilight burns
I fidget sheets of toss and turns.

My world has shattered;
just split in two
and all because I'm missing you.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Sorry about keep changing it!

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

More from this author

Comments

judyanne

and was coming back now i have the time to crit, only to find you've fixed the rhythm ...

now there's nothing to say except i really like this....
made me laugh - hope i was supposed to

i've missed you writes mand
love judy
xxx

mand

How nice it is to hear from you. :) I'm glad you like this one - though there are a couple of tweaks I think I need to make. :) I will make every effort to read and comment on your poems. ( I remember how word talented you are! ). There is one that I have read - but need to re-read because I was in a rush and didn't get time to fully digest it. "Time". Initial reaction on first read was - astounding! I'll get back to it a.s.a.p.

Thanks again Judyanne! ( hugs )

Love Mand xxxx

R

raj

10 years 4 months ago

Good sentimental write which expresses the feelings of the Protagonist. I hope this is not inspired by a real time experience of someone close. The only suggestion I would like to propose is to find a suitable alternative line to "My bowels are twisted" because until then it is all about emotions & feelings.

Much love...

mand

Thanks for kindly reading and commenting - your wisdom and balanced suggestions are always welcome. :)

I have made a few tweaks ( including "my bowels are twisted" ) Your opinion is highly valued so if you think it still needs tweaking/improving don't hesitate to let me know! :)

Thanks again Raj. :)

Love Mand xxxx

R

Reads much better after the tweaks and with the bowels out of the way :)...let me see if i can find some alternative to crazy...

Much love..

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 4 months ago

Damn it why didn't you say you were missing me lol I would have caught the bus down to you..
Good fun write didn't like the bowels being twisted in the first one.
Yours as always, Ian xx

mand

I get a free bus pass next year! ( that makes me feel happy, but old Lol ). Ha ha The bowels where a no goer I think, so I've kept the second one! Thanks for your visit and honest critique, it's just what I wanted.

Great to see you - I hope you and the family are well and happy!

Keep safe :)

Love Mand xxxxx

Ian.T

We are all well here and once you get your pass the world will open up, the day I got mine I felt the earth move and the world opened up and I fell into a pothole lol,
Take care that life is not taken too seriously,
Yours Ian.T, He, He, He.

wesley snow

Somehow the subject matter seemed far too important, too intense to be treated even lightly with humor.
By the way... I have no problem with the word "bowels". Until about one hundred years ago it meant (and still does) something different. It was the seat of the soul. In Asian countries the balance center of a man spiritually and physically.
The poem itself is beautiful.

mand

Thanks for visiting and your astute comments. I used the words bowels in the first one because I thought when a person is sorely missed it effects the appetite and there is a knotted up feeling in the stomach! I could quite easily see how it could be regarded as the seat of the soul. But after Judyannes comment I realized how humours it sounded. Everyone said that the second one was better so I've gone with that.

Thanks Wes your comments mean a lot to me. :)

Love to you

Mand xxxxxxx

S

Got here after you'd already edited so the things needing mentioning had already been fixed....except line 3 stanza 4. It gets the point across well but it just seems a bit awkward. Pretty minor huh? lol. I like this form and it seems to suit this subject well.........stan

mand

Soo good to see you! I hope you and family are o.k. It was the bowels wasn't it? lol :)

I'll take a look at the line you mentioned - see if I can make any improvements.

Glad you like it and soo glad you came by to read and comment - muchly appreciated.

Keep safe :)

Love Mand xxxx

Rula

Rula

10 years 4 months ago

but never to a good poem. My friends have said almost all.
I didn't think this is of any humour. In fact I thought it poignant enough to bring back a beloved one back. The rhyme scheme is really clever Mandy.
Hope you're doing well and life isn't pressing hard.

mand

Thank you sooo much for your lovely comments! - We are all o.k - though a few in the family are trying to recover from a flu like virus. Work has slowed down a little so hopefully I'll have more time to read other peoples poetry! I hope life is treating you and your family well too!

Thank you Rula for kindly reading and commenting!

Keep safe :)

Love Mand xxxx

judyanne

sorry that i laughed :) but the bowels bit gave it humour - especially since, not long after mentioning them, you asked if he missed you :)
so now i know it's supposed to be serious, i'm glad you've removed your bowels (lol) from the piece...

love judy
xxx

mand

I didn't realize how funny it sounded until I read your comment - to which I reread it - and spent the whole afternoon cracking up in laughter! ( I couldn't work because tears where blurring my vision ). I'm still smiling now!

I loved your comment so don't worry - I haven't laughed like that for a long time! te he

Thanks Judyanne xxxx

Love Mand xxxx

R

raj

10 years 4 months ago

In Stanza 2 you may want to take a look at "energy" and "me" in the context of the rhyme sequence which you have adopted in this poem. What do you think?

Regards,

mand

Well spotted! I looked up on Google ( rhyming zone ) what words rhyme with "me" energy wasn't one of them, so it seems that energy doesn't rhyme with me. ( though to my ear it does )! So I will attempt to change it.

Thanks Raj - I've learnt something new today! :)

Love to you! :)

Mand xxxx

wesley snow

It is a single rhyme.

A perfect authentic end stop rhyme are two like sounding syllables (usually vowels) preceded by unlike consonant sounds. "enerGy(e)" and "Me" are a perfect example.
Also, bowels are not funny.

mand

:) Thanks Wes - I really appreciate your technical knowledge. One of the many valuable attributes of Neo is that there are ones such as yourself ( and others ) who are willing to give honest critique and helpful advice! :)

O.k bowels aren't funny.:)

Thanks for getting back to me.

Love to you

Mand xxxx

R

I know it is difficult to find a word closely rhyming "me"...In such situation i suggest you try changing the words itself in a manner that it does not affect the rhythm or the essence. I have tried to do it while suggesting an alternative below. Don't know for sure if it fits into the essence of your poem.

This empty feeling
pervading me
is sapping all my energy.

In this void
an abode
my hopes now erode

much love n hugz...

mand

Thanks for coming back again I really do appreciate it! According to Wesley me and energy do rhyme! ( Phew - thank goodness for that! ). So I'll stick with what I've got. Otherwise I would have given your suggestion serious consideration! :)

Thanks again Raj xxxx

Love Mand xxxx

R

In fact just after i pushed the save button for my comment, I read Wesley's comment and thought of deleting mine :)

much love..

mand

At least you tried - and according to Google you have a valid point! Just shows you they don't always get it right! What they need is a Wesley - he's more up to date. Lol

Thanks again Raj

Love Mand xxxx

mand

I hope you are well and happy! It's always nice hear from you - you often give me food for thought!

Love to you! :)

Mand xxxx

R

raj

10 years 4 months ago

I don't know when you posted version 2. I noticed it just now. Well done.

Regards,

mand

I hope it's better! xxx Thanks for taking the time to come back and let me know! :) xxx

Love Mand xxxx

wesley snow

doesn't know. I write a word, it tells me I spelled it wrong and when I ask for an alternative... it has never heard of the word I'm trying to use. This happens also at Dictionary.com though less often. The language is too large for even a computer.
Get yourself a rhymer (sometimes called Rhyming Dictionaries, though they are not true dictionaries). I suggest the Penguin Rhyming Dictionary. It's easy to use and insanely comprehensive. You can buy them used on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
Also, since I'm on a roll. Try Williard R. Espy's "Words to Rhyme With". It's also a rhymer, but with the best poet's craft book on Earth.
Then, indispensable, John Drury's "The Poetry Dictionary".
Sorry to take so much of your time, but I think any of these books would benefit you. They did me.

S

Are you saying you doctor asked for a urine, stool, and blood sample so you just gave him your under wear? ROTF......stan