Leonard
Leonard
Nov 09, 2014

SUN SET HAIKU

raspberry essence
on crushed ice, sun bled rivers
into woolly clouds

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: IND

Favorite Poets: Apart from Walt Whitman

More from this author

Comments

R

raj

10 years 5 months ago

I liked your vision. To me it is more a Haiku than a Senryu because I do not notice a human element in the 5-7-5 sequenced lines. However, if you could tweak line 3 by providing a verb it would be better...may be like..

raspberry essence
on crushed ice, sun bled rivers
rises unto clouds

Regards,

Leonard

agree with you Raj. In fact, I first put Haiku and then I changed it to Senryu - was a little confounded.

Thanks anyway. Appreciate your visit and comment.

Cheers

PS: I was also not happy with the word "Woolly" - cliched but I couldn't find a better word.

Leonard

after such a long silence. I always remember one your most succinct and powerful comments on a poem which you felt - and indeed it was - was to philosophical: "Leonard, where is the heart". That really got to me. That one line said it all. At that time, I didn't say it but I have always wanted the oppportunity to tell you this.

I am glad you like my Haiku and even more so about getting back in touch. Your comment "I saw a sunset like that a few days ago" says it all.

Cheers

alidzain

love the imagery on this one but raj is right. This is a haiku, not a senryu.

Alid

Rula

Rula

10 years 5 months ago

This is an awesome painting with words.
Don't have any suggestions , but as I see you are not happy with 'woolly'. I thought maybe 'cotton'- which is fluffy, might be an alternative, but you know better.
Thanks for sharing.

K

What a wonderful thing to say, Leonard. And that's so true, we never ever know what type of impressions we leave on one another's minds let alone in their hearts.

I'll take the heart any day. :-) The mind plays too many tricks on itself. :-)