raj
Nov 07, 2014
This poem is part of the workshop:

Can you make a limerick serious?

(Read More...)

Deadpan (Serious Limmerick WS)

Eyes open sunken and blank
as if fate had pulled a prank
eyeballs in rubor
pupils in tumor
sans any tear in their bank

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

Rula

Rula

10 years 5 months ago

I am still not sure about the rythm we should follow and can't say for sure if this one or mine meet the right one, but the theme appeals to me. I really like it as is.

R

raj

10 years 5 months ago

In reply to by Rula

Thanks for stopping by. Honestly, I am as unsure as you are about the rhythms and/or rhyme of this attempt in terms of conformance with the Limerick criterion. Let us wait and see what experts comment. I am glad though that you found the theme to be appealing...

Regards,

lovedly

had I read these
a few seconds earlier
I would have got the tee shirt
now tis raj yours
do let me borrow it

I just posted mine
don't laugh OK
twill be fine

Rula

Rula

10 years 5 months ago

I read this aloud many times. I thought you could rework a bit the last line to make it a bit smoother, though it went ok with me.
I know my reading is not giving your little piece its justice, but I decided to share it anyways.

https://soundcloud.com/rula68/deadpan-by-raj

Rula

Rula

10 years 5 months ago

not an expert, yet what I sensed. I might be completely wrong about that last line.
Listen to the masters. :)
This workshop was more like an adventure. :)

R

I know...I have never questioned your intentions which are always so honest and good.

Regards,

weirdelf

is a close rhyme, but is rubor a word? Perhaps meaning red eyes?

Good, serious limerick, /raj.

R

Thanks Jess for your comment approving this to conform as a "serious" theme.

As for Rubor, it indeed does mean Redness, It is part of a series of words indicating progression of symptoms associated with inflammation:-

Calor (Heat), Rubor (Redness), Tumor (Swelling), Dolor (Pain) and Functio Liesa (Loss of function)

Regards,