wrong
or
right
desire prevails
in facts
at night
lusting
love
acceptance
equality
growth
---oOo---
capable us
terrible us
sociopathic
narcissistic
twisting
judging
presiding
apart
---oOo---
lines of truth
move
subjectively
under
desires duress
resentment's
war on love
conflict
ever
living
feeding off of
climbing on top of
---oOo---
emotive
liquid
anxious
tempered
---oOo---
but whatever
---oOo---
Last Few Words: clipped it best I could for now
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Simon
A thought provoking poem about your take on life & living.
Regards,
truth is sub
much thanks for useful observations and advise. regards to the rest of the pond
hmmm . . .
time spent in ironic ionosphere could heat the mettle
hmmm . . .
time spent in ironic ionosphere could heat the mettle
The technical term
is "word sonnet". A poem chiefly written with a single word each line. It was developed in the 13th century about the same time as cycle sonnets, but didn't catch on as they are hard to write. Often they were written acrostically.
This is a little depressing for me, but what's poetry without a bit of truth and truth is not always touchy, feely.
I would have liked to see the early format carry on further, but with Gem I think a little tweak and it is already a special work.
damn good feedback
thanks wesely, I will work on eliminating the depressing element. the thing wants to expose the truth that right and wrong are subjective. I understand more after your standup reply
ace!
You're welcome.
I hope I don't come of as a "know it all". I surely don't, but I have an incurable curiosity and a good memory.
I guess you might call me a poetry wonk. I get a kick out of all the details of history, form and subject.
I get rapped in the head from time to time, but I keep spouting it.
If you're interested... in several weeks Rula and I will be running a very serious workshop on The Sonnet in The Shark Pool. If you want to join a conversation on everything sonnet from form to philosophy, then you are invited.
no worries
it's all good
russian get chess
north amerikans get Monopoly
rudiments of steps
with chess
and checkers
unlike cards with chance
reading tells and greed
even the forever loser
admires the fat purse of the winner
but when the table turns
and instructions
flutter
and life is moved through
the tracts of the real
dancers
thus is experience
worked
and the plow
felt
the speed
with the power
under
alongside
can be felt
Thank You!
idealisms
are the color
of your stock car
but its how you drive
and how good your
team is
to make the dream
breathe!
my centiments
pretty much bang on! I like your other stuff too
All about life.
Rings true in this crazy world. The short lines forced me to read it faster and faster nearing the end. It's not a form I'm use to. Didn't know the form was sonnet or even the old. Lol. I might try it one day.
We call it pace
and Esker is a master at it and this poem has many of those elements. So called "Pace Structure" requires that fewer words on a line not be merely fewer on the lines due to arbitrary line breaks. Each line should lead the poem forward in its own right by itself.
Since the format is nigh enjambment personified, I think it should be avoided when one can.
Just a thought.
Keeps me up at night this stuff.
yup, I see . . .
reducing