Eduardo Cruz
Eduardo Cruz
Jan 06, 2011

flight of a fledgling

I see myself as water
Clear and formless.
truly, more like the earth
Trampled an down trodden
With the yoke of past miseries

listening intently
To find my way through
To hear the peaceful quiet
Of the vast universe
But all that is heard is the lingering past

having traversed
Through the pits of desperations
The darkness in the emptiness
Which blinds me
To what is my reality

Seeing the cruelties
Which I have imposed upon myself
Through the lack of understanding
I must first love myself
and all that has been accomplished

What am I
A crop picker of memories
The fire in me now burns
All the rotten fallen fruits
Of the unnecessary harvest

upon finding the peace
That has always lived inside of me
The trampled earth has become
Like the sands of the desert
Flying high on scorching winds.

then looking down
On what I thought was me
What is seen is a shell
Upon the nest
Of a free escaping fledgling

The past is but a look back
And not where I live
standing here in the present
Looking down at a blank sheet
Of a future I have yet to read

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I decided re-post this one because it's one of my own favorites

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York City, N.Y. Spanish Harlem, USA

Favorite Poets: P. Neruda

More from this author

Comments

Psyve

Psyve

14 years 3 months ago

This is a very beautifully written and sensitive poem.
And there is some pretty deep thinking there!

Some of my favourite lines include:

What am I
A crop picker of memories...

and

...The past is but a look back
And not where I live

On a VERY minor note, you may want to consider cleaning up a few typos:

Trampled an down trotted = trampled and down trodden
I have listen = I have listened
I have look back down = I have looked back down

As regards the line : "The trampled earth has become like the sands of the Sahara ", perhaps you may like to consider, "desert" rather than "Sahara"... which is unnecessarily location-specific and breaks the timeless/ placeless feel of this poem in my opinion.

Also, in my opinion, the last verse is unnecessary and the poem ends beautifully with the lines:
"...Looking down at a blank sheet
Of a future I have yet to read "

Very well written !
I was moved by this.

Psyve

Eduardo Cruz

thank you both for your wonderful comments, I wrote and posted this after it woke me from a dream at 3:00am. I have made the changes and it sounds much better to me the next day at 9:30pm
again thenk you!
Always Eddie

Eduardo Cruz

We have to live it everyday, because if we forget then hope is dead.
for me it is a life time agreement with myself. a promise I can not break.
thanks so much sweetie for reading and seeing yourself in it.
always Eddie

Eduardo Cruz

you came late I have already change the title to what I have now which I'm happy with, thanks to the guys.
Sweetie you give me to much credit I am the one that is learning from everyone here. I am like a thief. I take little here and a little there.
I am very thankful for your generous comment
Always Eddie

weirdelf

Some inbred aristocrat criticised Mozart's music saying "too many notes"

Well 'm not inbred or an aristocrat but my crit is too many "I"s
6 of the 8 stanzas begin with I and it is used too much throughout, taking the poem away from the reader. See what I mean? A simple change of word order and extending some description could fix that and, in my opinion, improve he poem a lot.

Everyone has already said how good it is, and they are right, so I'm only offering crit. Fair enough?

Also
I have found the spiritual peace
lose the word spiritual, the whole work is spiritual, you don't need to say it.