China Blue
China Blue
Sep 06, 2014
This poem is part of the workshop:

Storytelling in Verse: Dramatic Verse.

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Requiem for the masses( DRAMA WORKSHOP)

watch her pick up the pieces, that lay like sticks.
upon a forest floor
fervently attempting to salvage what is left can and then move on

oh she is such a dreamer following some apparition
of her so called life

bequeathing to no man bitter tears spilled
and overflowing
upon the darkest night

please, do not seek the questions
not asked or understood
nor will meaningless answers be offered

Stars, what are they but daggers of light
piercing and slashing at their eyes
revealing the battlefield of wills

Silence then, while she listens
for the voice of reason
only to fall on deaf ears

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This post is for Wesley's workshop

Style/Type: Free verse

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: North Carolina, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allen Poe

More from this author

Comments

wesley snow

but not dramatic verse. The voice is the third person voice of a narrator standing above the fray and commenting on "her". I want a first person voice. The "I" of her herself. A character speaking to me directly. The narrator is an acceptable voice, but he/she must be a character in the poem. They must speak with the words "I" or "me".
Does this make sense?
There is nothing wrong with the poem (in fact, I rather like it), but it is not in the first person. Let her speak or someone directly connected to her and not an ethereal narrator.

alidzain

I have to agree with both of them. This is a good poem but this is not Dramatic verse. I suggest you write as the girl /woman that is being focused in the poem.

Alid

China Blue

I had it written that way and then had second thoughts should have followed my first instinct
ok then let me post the original then and see how that goes

China Blue

As I pick up the pieces, that lay like sticks.
upon a forest floor
fervently attempting to salvage what is left and then move on

O must I always be a dreamer following some apparition
of a so called life

bequeathing to no man bitter tears spilled
and overflowing
upon the darkest night

I do not seek the questions
not asked or understood
nor will meaningless answers be offered

Stars, what are they but daggers of light
piercing and slashing at my eyes
revealing the battlefield of wills

Silence then, while I listen
for the voice of reason
only to fall on deaf ears

Ian.T

This is the workshops pride in your words, I had just spent a while going through your words to bring them in line with his masters voice.
But I see you have beaten me to it with this near perfect rendition, this is what I jotted down to give you an Idea as to what Wesley was talking about I was going to PM the sort I had done but it is not needed now, lol :-

I seemed to pick up the pieces from the forest floor
They lay like sticks thrown at random
I tried to salvage what was left
I thought I had moved on
Here I was dreaming following some apparition,
They were the remnants of my life

I will cry for no man yet bitter tears fall,
They overflowed on the darkness of that night.
Please don’t ask me questions
I will only ignore meaningless responses.

I curse the stars that pierce my eyes
Shards of light slashing at me
I am on a battlefield of wills.
There in the silence I will listen
But words of wisdom will fall on deaf ears

But young lady you corrected your own words and they were so good and you brought more feelings into the whole theme..
Yours as always Ian.T

wesley snow

Not all that hard is it? We simply write in the first person and assure that what we write is poetry and not prose.
This certainly qualifies.
Now start thinking about a one act play. Look in on my example for a possible format.

China Blue

I feel like after reading your version there are a whole bunch of "I's" where they really are not needed and you've changed many of my words sorry but to many of them have been changed I respect what you are doing but I have to disagree with you
thanks I gave it my best shot

Ian.T

My comment and write was just as a guide to that request made by Wesley that wanted you to write in the first person.
As I said by the time I had written it you had corrected all the things Wesley had spoken of, and beautifully done, my write as a suggestion then became obsolete, just wanted you to see that we are here to suggest.
Take care out there and enjoy, Yours Ian.T

L

Lonnie

10 years 7 months ago

Just thought I would offer my congrats on a well-written piece that drew kudos from Wesley, even! LOL!! You got the knack, girl, you've always had it, and I do believe its getting even better!

lovedly

its no challenge
to change any poem
for one who does wield the poetic sword
such as yours

I wish you could scale my work
and smear a pail of your worth
so that I too can be elevated
from a pauper of poetry at birth
to master at best at worse

as time lapses in the folds of eternity
let not my verse

loved
may be new to you... member since over three years here

lovedly

poetry comes to me
as water to Niagara
in summer or winter
it just falls
so does poetry on my walls

my name is
loved

Barbara Writes

along for the ride. I too think it's well written. Though it is dramatic. I can't depict who or what the voice is. Maybe I'm just tired after all the workshop stuff lol. So I'll be back later for another read. Got a workshop to closed.

China Blue

It is for the workshop "storytelling in dramatic verse"

the voice is singular and it is mine hence the use of I
no need for apologies lol I think I was born tired

wesley snow

However, it is desirable. let me explain. One of the advantages of writing in "Dramatic Verse" is the ability to say things outside of the norm for the poet. If we use the "common voice" (meaning the voice of the author) we tend to say what the poet always says.
Take Ian's poem as an example. He spoke with a very different voice than he is accustomed to and wrote something that caught everyone off guard (myself included). The voice ranted in an ugly way of its despair and frustration and had everyone riveted. It was a very successful poem because Ian stepped outside of his box and blew some different air.
Of course, we can do this at any time, but dramatic verse is made for this sort of experimental writing. It gave Ian a vehicle to release a different personality.
We all want to write something different and unique all of the time, but we get trapped in the same voice and little changes.
I challenge you all to create three characters unlike anything in any of your poetry and write a conversation between them that is unique to the way you write and post it as your "play". Let the opportunity of dramatic verse work for you and not against you.