Ian.T

Sep 04, 2014

This poem is part of the workshop:

Storytelling in Verse: Dramatic Verse.

(Read More...)

Day one The Birthday (Story telling in verse Dramatic)

I smiled as the room cleared,
my birthday they wanted shared.
Yet I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy,
of a gathering with my family.

I thought thank God I am alone
There is only so much I can share
A family at my age why should I care
I was in my chair with only the phone.

Talk to me you shit, ring damn you
Shrill sounds rocked the room
Thought I was psychic at the noise.
It was one of the departed boys.

He had left his game boy thing
Said he would call around soon
I didn’t want to be disturbed again.
They seemed to want me insane.

I told the little shit to forget it
I was going to phone my friend
There was a few things I had to do
I didn’t want to be disturbed by you.

I slammed the phone down too hard
The ear piece broke, I picked up a shard
Black as the night it was, and razor sharp
It pierced my skin, and this was the start.

I looked around at the things I had
Released from this crap I laughed,
the sound seemed to ring in my ears
It drove me to spill raging tears.

A blank red feeling scouted my mind
I had to go out and leave sanity behind
There in that world of darkness dwelt
Ones I held responsible for how I felt.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: The next part is when the rage takes over and the killing starts, Oh its such fun to have workshops so free lol, Yours IanT

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Leicestershire, Ex Moonraker, GBR

Favorite Poets: All those I meet or read about in my books

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Ian

A good monologue bringing out the psyche of the Boy. It would be interesting to see how you use this character in the dramatic part of the WS.

Regards,

Thank you for your read and comment, it makes me very happy that you say its a monologue, this is the intro into another lost soul who probably turns killer to join those we know of already such as Killer, Nevermore and Digit.
Watch this space lol.
Thanks again yours Ian.T

Ian, I am so pleased with you...

I could shit.
Not only is this a single voice on a given subject, not only is this good poetry on its own, but the voice is utterly alien to that of the poet. I've never heard a voice like this coming out of your mouth. Someone else spoke for you. A truly dark subject and harsh language.
This is an excellent example of how dramatic verse can be utilized to say things we would not normally allow our poetry to say.
Zounds, but I am impressed.
Just so I have something negative to say... check for the few typos (not that I really care).

Wesley

At least I could let my hair down, I don't like swearing when other words will do but this is a workshop and I claim poetic licence lol.
Thank you for your comment it was a booster, Just a need to make the second scene yet it could go any way, as I write it later it will find its own level..
Yours Ian.T

This is right up your street!

This is right up your street! Awesome.

Love Mand xxx

Mand

Many thanks for your visit glad it came up to the standard asked.
Take care young lady,
Yours Ian.T

Wow

I was the first there
u here
I was chalked ''very good''
maiden dear

u as always
''EXCELLENT'' Ian my dear
ur bard
is coming near!

Loved

It is so good to have you join in with us here.
Your ability is up here with us all,
Why do you think I call you young Bard,
Don't you think I cannot see,
Yours watching,
Ian.T

well you give me an opportunity to be bastardly ..sorry bardly a

bit harsh
Snow man, raj etc all have praised you
but wait and hear what I have to say friend frankly to you...hahaha

You have composed good poetry
in first person

do you know how many times you have used an'' I'' man Ian
I as in Ian ..it gives you an easy flow you know....

so many times
but glad you gave an epicurial twist,
to suit you well

congrats any way.. the leader has excellented you
what in hell can I damn now do
I'd hate to condemn such a lovely friend in you '

That much said and done
Ian Loved the bard is proud of you
Well done .

Loved

Don't you go changing on us here.
Your entry to the workshop is very good can't wait till the next scene in the play lol.
You take care and know we think a lot of you,
Yours Ian

regards

as permanently stamped
on my forehead
for you to read

already submitted
needs a slight edit

Fine work Ian.

I have learned from your drama. There is craziness in me if I brought it out as you have. I may have a winner here.

Barbara

Many thanks for your read and good comment, I am not sure what will happen to the old man yet he can do so many things.
But I guess as a play he may have to stay at home and summon his family one by one, we will see.
Take care and know I care, Yours Ian. T

Ian.

I thinking about what my play is too, It's coming front and center after you said you old man may stay at home and summon his family one by one. I now have a idea of what mine as a play might be.

ian

This is very good writing. I can clearly feel each emotion and like Wesley said, this is unlike your usual works which it makes it all the more spectacular. My alter egos don't change as readily. They stay the same. Welcome to the dark side, we saved you a seat...

Carrie

Thank you for the welcome to the dark side, I was just skirting the edges, just you wait till I come in.
I shall scatter your thoughts of ever being sane again into glob lets of eternal phlegm spewed out into the crackle of the voids that are there, we can fill many a weak heart with the fear of not belonging to the darkness LOL.
Take care young lady all will be well when my pills take effect,
I take a diluted cyanide to make my heart beat slower, so that I can enjoy the trauma I inflict on those that try to ignore me lol.
Yours as usual Ian.T
PS:- must run the men in the white coats are at the door La La.

Wow!

My dear friend, you have excelled yourself.
I have never heard such a voice and such verse from you.
This is, literally, the sort of work that could bring poetry back into the market (I mean no offence by that, though you know how I feel about capitalism).
It has what feels like gut raw truth with a survivors humour.

It's the kind of poetry that lesser beings than myself might ask, with temerity, expecting to meet a dangerous beast of a man, "did anyone survive?"

Ditto.

Jess

In the second part the beast was killed but when he least expected it, lol, maybe just Maybe his grandson has been in other places.
I will think on this write I didn't know the end until I wrote those last lines.
Now we have Paul who can kill as easy as topping his Grand dad we may one day follow him on his journey, there is susan who witnessed the whole thing.
Watch this space ???
Hope this finds you OK, just take care out their,
Yours as always Ian

Ian.

I'm enjoying this play as you create it

Barbara

Thank you for your visit to my part of the workshop, It would be good as this is to have some topics to write on each month.
Your Renga's are becoming a test of our thoughts, as the subject choice is there and you can see and read others take on a single subject.
On the Renga I always write a new piece each time so it tends to expand the knowledge.
I am not sure what else we have to do for the play.
I think the curtain came down as Grampy died.
But it still leaves a lot of questions as to what could happen next lol.
Take care have a lovely Sunday and walk with your God in a happy state, as he would ask no more of you.
Yours Ian.T

Ian.

You are welcome renga is evolving into something great I think. It does a lot to expand creativity and knowledge on a subject. Admits much problems I do walk with God in a happy state.

Audio,

here is a rough read for you.
https://soundcloud.com/jess-tapper/day-one-the-birthday

Jess

I just stepped outside my comfort zone, but found the write OK it is a place and chance to express a different write.
I have many ways of writing, I suppose many always think of me as such a gentle soul.
We all know that there on the outskirts of each of us is an insanity that can be found if only we know how to just look not join in.
You take care Jess and know you are in our thoughts here, thanks for you read and recording, as usual they were both top line,
Take care, yours, Ian and Friends

Ian

Bravo my friend this is so very delicious I find nothing to suggest or correct or change
I just love this one phrase " I had to go out and leave sanity behind"

Chrys

Really good to see you here, Grampy has lost lots of friends since he had his Birthday,
but I guess he will recover.. or will he ??
Take care of you both out there, light a candle for me,
Yours Ian.T

Hey there, Ian,

I guess its all been said, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents worth anyway! You have indeed captured something here that mesmerizes the prey, symbolizes the moment, and cauterizes all wounds! My hat is off to you sir, Bravo indeed!

Lonnie

Thank you for your visit , it is amusing to see how many react to the dark side yet always wish they could learn of the light.
Take care My love to you both, Yours Ian.T

I also enjoyed the read. It

I also enjoyed the read. It was very entertaining. If I have any critique it is that the rhyme scheme jumps around. Pick one and stick with it.

Scott

Thanks for your visit, I think it is due to trying to please the workshop that the rhyme has jumped around.
Not really sure what the end product is meant to be is it a poem come play or is it supposed to end up as a short play or a long poem ??????
Take care out there, Yours Ian.T

What we want is a short play

written in verse.