Leonard
Leonard
Aug 28, 2014

SENRYU

fissured dawn
tributaries of fire
delta in the sky

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: IND

Favorite Poets: Apart from Walt Whitman

More from this author

Comments

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 8 months ago

The form of a Senryu is as you are probably aware in syllables, 5-7-5, as accents vary over the globe there is a lot of variations to the strict Japanese style.
If you check the standard English syllables of this one you will come up with 3-7-5, fissured being two syllables.
It all boils down to the way the words are pronounced, I like the "Fissured Dawn" it gives depth to a happening, not sure how to correct this if it needs it at all."Deep fissured dawning" would solve the syllable count..
Hope you don't mind the correction, but as I said to write Senryu in the western way there is a certain amount of leeway given.
Take care Yours Ian.T

Leonard

for your most valuable input but, as I said earlier, I try to follow the 5/7/5 format but I am not a strict adherent to it. Sometimes just by adding another word just for adherence to the format, it may sound forced. That takes away from the flow.

Thanks all the same. As always, I value your critiques.

Cheers

weirdelf

The ultimate in compression of meaning, it juxtaposes stark reality with sublime content.

My only quibble is that it is haiku, not senryu- dealing with nature rather than humanity.

Leonard

Spot on. It is indeed a Haiku. In fact I was in a little bit of confusion while giving it a name. Thanks for the info and the appreciation.

Cheers

R

raj

10 years 8 months ago

Whether it is a Senryu or a Haiku, Ian has already mentioned about the syllable count of 5-7-5 and offered a suggestion in line which as per him would conform to it. However, I wish to mention that the second line too does not conform to 7 syllable count but is in my opinion 6 :- tributaries (4) of (1) fire (1). I also concur with Jess that this is a haiku being fully focused on nature. Having said that, even if it does not conform to syllable count you have created a wonderful image and perspective of dawn in a very crisp verse

Regards,

Leonard

Most people who write Haiku/Senryu are hung up on the 5-7-5 format. So was I when I began writing Haiku. This changed when I checked the internet about this format. Most of the greatest writers of the Haiku believe that this format need not be seriously adhered to. It should exceed the 5-7-5 format but as long as you are within, it is okay. I try to stick to the format but if I am unable to, I don't force it.

Thanks once again. I really appreciate your reading and commenting.

Cheers

jeannefancy9

I thought this was a beautiful piece, I loved the way the rhymes were musical, right in tune and how the words seemed to flow into one another. thanks, jeanne

weirdelf

Japanese poetry doesn't rhyme. This stems from the structure of the language itself where nearly all syllables end in a vowel so there are roughly only 5 rhymes to choose from.

We play fast and free with Japanese forms in English, the only real stricture being compression of meaning and succinctity.