crypticbard
Dec 28, 2010

Negotiated Leave

`

Be numb to me
get off your knee
cease from demeaning
my esteem for you
with your lucid hate

the hourglass leaks

coloured sand pours
rainbow streaked tears
where the rains bleached
this sunburnt heart
with the acid of your disdain

these wearied hands

no longer reach for yours
your reflection is marred
and the mirror put away
leave me to face east
inhale the pine scented breeze

`

About This Poem

Last Few Words: The title is really niggling at me... if you have any ideas whatsoever, please send them this way. You are greatly appreciated, CB.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: AUS

Favorite Poets: There is nothing quite as boring as a life completely devoid of shadows.

More from this author

Comments

S

short on time to comment in constructive manner but thought I'd let you know I came by.............scribbler

Nordic cloud

I love the SOUND of this poem,
also the content,
but it is the sound that stays with me
and through that its meaning;
that means the words too are liked specially.

Its quite a picture
that I would be interested to see painted,
if that were possible, painting hatred?

No you have done it better.

Love Ann of N.

C

I am glad you have noted the SOUND of this poem.
That is what caught me as soon as I took a step back
and took the poem in again... its sound.
Maybe we should ask around to see if this can be
visually expressed in a painting, quite intriguing.
Cheers, CB

C

Thanks for the suggestion. I may just pass on that for this particular moment as that might give it away too easily and steer the Reader to the read it in the suggested tone/theme - hate.... I am grateful for your interaction and your valued responses. Cheers. CB

C

Yes, the hyphenated compound word does make it a tighter read. Will incorporate that in a revision. I love the implication of your title suggestion but will have to leave it unused simply because it makes processing the title a bit of a task for the Reader. Just in case it detracts from the poem because of that one feature. Glad that you replied quickly. Thanks heaps. CB

C

Thanks for visiting and responding to this poem. I am suspecting the title of this poem really lies in the last verses of the poem as you have directed in your post. But how to tastefully and effectively construct the title.... (just hear the clanging and whirring in the writing workshop).... Cheers, CB

loved

loved

14 years 3 months ago

YOU SOUND SO GOOD

WHEN EVER
I read you
i feel poetry comes to you
as it does to me ...
but to me silently
to you furiously
like a tsunami
That's what's poetry
now I blindly can see
nay hear thee.WHEN EVER

I read you

i feel poetry comes to you

as it does to me ...

but to me silently t

to you furiously

like a tsunami

THat's what's poetry
now I blindly can see
nay hear thee.

C

poetry is to the poet and the throne is to the king/queen
the throne is always larger than the monarch
and to that I will always have to agree...

Eduardo Cruz

there is a certain amount of pain when we distance ourselves from someone we cared about, but hate is a strong catalyst that leaves us no choice. Yet still we try and do it amicably, because there was once a friendship.
In this I don't hear a surrender, but rather a hope to save something (oringinal friendship). So if I had an inclination to change the title it would be;
"Negotiated Distance" the word for me here that carries ths write is "Negotiated" an atempt at saving a friendship.
Your title is perfect, (think long, think wrong) it is what YOU saw in the write.
Don't change anything!
Always Eddie

C

I am truly pleased you got right to the heart of this poem and how in a paragraph you have opened up its breadth and depth and length. All we have left at times in life is hope. And of course in a manner as amicably as possible despite the pain. Cheers, CB